Maa Gamer

Email: I'm Fallout of Love

2009-05-11T10:41:00.003+01:00

To: Lee
From: James
Subject: I'm Fallout of Love.

Right, I've started playing Fallout 3 again, perhaps against my better judgement. You know what really gets my goat (by the balls), the load times are one thing, but the other night I got to level 20, cool, then I noticed I wasn't gaining XP anymore. I seem to be maxed out, even though there are plenty of perks still locked. What.....The.....Fuck.....is going on there, am I not understanding the game correctly, I thought they were progressively unlocked as I leveled up, or if I buy the expansion packs that let me get past level 20, which I can't because I made the foolish decision to buy a PS3, fuck you Bethesda, fuck you. So I decided to take out my rage out on the in game world. I've now created my Evil Girl Lesbian character to bring misery and destruction throughout the capital wasteland. So far have blown up Megaton, which made me feel a little bad so I've scaled back for a moment to pick pocketing people.

Fallout 3 (PS3)

2009-03-01T14:18:00.002Z

Much like my feelings towards Country & Western music, I can't say I'm a real fan of Role Playing Games. Somehow they always felt like one really good game stretched out over 60 or more hours with a lot of wandering and chatting used to fill in the time. Still as a large fan/addict of video games in general, I try to keep expanding my horizons when it comes to video game media. This time it's the turn of RPGs, and since I'm going to ease myself into a new genre of gaming the sub-genre may as well feel similar to many other games I've played before, and so it'll be a Western RPG. Also I have a fondness for Mad Max movies so the sub-sub-genre will be apocalypse. I also liked the colour of the box.......and it was on sale.

As previously mentioned, Fallout 3 is a western RPG. You can tell because the character customisation screen won't let you have 3 foot tall hair or a sword you could feasibly surf on. Other clues include the game mechanics feeling a lot like the director's cut of Half-Life 2. The basis of which is essentially a First Person Shooter with lots of ideas from other games glued on to help pad out the experience. You can flip between 1st and 3rd person view, repair your weapons, collect pieces of old junk to build new ones, dress up your character, pause time during combat and talk the hind leg off a cast iron donkey. Most are well balanced and play nicely with the whole game experience. Some though, throw the illusion of a mass of potential at you while actually stealing away precious time you could have used for further orienteering. For instance, wrestling with over 30 facial sliders just so you can prowl the wastes as Mel Gibson will feel pretty futile after spending umpteen hours starring at the back of his head. This is mitigated somewhat by flashes of the road warrior’s expressionless mug just before you fire off a few rounds in V.A.T.S. But would it really have been too much to ask to see yourself during conversations? V.A.T.S is a much more unique and useful addition, used to carefully add a thin slice of turn based strategy. Pausing time to allow the player to select which of their foes extremities they'd like turned into a shower of claret through a voyeuristic slow mo. Gory it may be, but along with a recharging meter that depletes when used, it does vary your tactical options from, point cursor and hold down fire until dead.

Tactics and careful planning, as with many RPGs, should be foremost on your mind when playing Fallout 3; it certainly has been with the developers. Before your character has even learned to walk you must balance points across 7 separate abilities, including, strength, intelligence, charisma and endurance. You might be forgiven for thinking maxing out these in particular will make you a sure fire hit with the ladies. But, their effects on your stats are more complex, demanding careful consideration to tune to the way you like to play. Simpler, perhaps in noticeable effect, but no less in the decision making process are the seemingly abundant perks available when levelling up. Most being quite inventive, such as Lawbringer, which allows you to sell the finger of any good character you kill, to the more straight forward Iron Fist, which, well, does exactly what it says on the tin. Limiting the amount you can actually activate makes them deliciously difficult to choice from and will certainly to add to the replay value. Perks are also affected by a particular buzz feature of modern gaming, will you be good or evil. Player’s moral choices are, perhaps unfortunately, always boiled down to where you sit on a sliding scale of good and evil. And the same is true here. Combined with the state of the NPCs karma they will either, like, dislike or behave indifferent towards you. In a game this complex and vast it seems like nitpicking to really highlight, especially as no game I can think of derives any more depth from such a feature, nor can I think of any practical way to either. But it does fulfil it's purpose, to create a more believable world in order to immerse the player into the game, and their derriere in the sofa for as long as possible.

There is much more on offer here to suck your brain into this virtual reality. They say the first bite of a meal is with the eye and for better or worse many snap judgements of games are based on their visuals. Fallout 3 should fare fairly well on such first impressions as from the beginning the detail and sharp textures, most noticeable on the faces of NPC's, are very impressive. Not to the mention the jaw dropping moment as your overloaded optic nerve tries to digest the expansive vista on your first trip out of the vault. Elsewhere this immersion is handled more delicately with the very informative radio stations. Acting in multiple roles to dole out clues about hidden quests, relaying your deeds to the masses and serving up some swinging 50's band music to liven up the loneliest trudges across the wastes. Unlike, say, GTA4, there is just not the content for a game of this scale, and they quickly become repetitive. Hand in hand with the with a script of conversions you could wallpaper the Albert Hall with, the main task of submerging you further into the world of Fallout, is absolutely accomplished.

The only question left then, is Fallout 3 worth spending a significant portion of your adult life playing? Well, I have test for games so demanding of your free time; after playing for a few hours does it make you try to forcibly ignore your bodily functions? In all honestly, yes. Fallout 3 is worth playing because it makes me wish I never had to eat, sleep or go to toilet ever again.

Space Invaders Extreme (PSP)

2008-12-21T21:25:00.003Z

Contrary to what my hairline might tell you, I'm actually not old enough to have played the original incarnation of Space Invaders. My first bout with this legendary title came when I used to try and load up Ghost Busters on the C64. As the tape trickled its data into the C64's goldfish sized memory, you were given the opportunity to pass away the time by playing Space Invaders. I can say with some certainty, that this was a close enough experience to the original that I also enjoyed immensely. Often I'd stop the tape drive (before it had a chance to fail on its own) and simply enjoy blasting alien nasties into their (large) component pixel parts. Some years later, and some more again since the original started swallowing up 100-Yen coins, Taito have come back again with yet another incarnation of the seemingly ubiquitous title, Space Invaders Extreme.

Despite being old enough to question the price of canned peas, in gaming years anyway, Taito seems to be trying its hardest not to look too past it in front of the kids. In so, Space Invaders Extreme ends up being precisely that, Extreme, as well as a little rad, a smidgen to the max and nudge over to the narli side. This is most evident in the music that accompanies the game which scoots across the dance music spectrum from Jungle to Euro Trance (shudder). The result could have easily ended up being massively distracting next to the mostly traditional gameplay, but thankfully has been cleverly fused together. As you fire your railed laser cannon and snuff out the wiggling pixels descending from above, pleasant sound effects both complement and enhance the musical experience, ala Everyday Shooter. The hip factor is further pushed closer to 11 with a psychedelic backdrop, the main purpose of which seems to be distracting the player from the amassing horde of pixelated goons.

The simplistic charm of the original is stripped away further with even more potentially erroneous fluff bolted onto the gameplay. 4 types of weapon power-ups unlocked by 4 respective colours of invader, several enemy types distinguished by attack and method of dispatch, a few bonus stages and a smattering of bosses. Handled without due care and attention each one of these additions could have equalled far less than the sum of its many parts, but somehow Taito appended each whilst carefully balancing out its effects on the rest of the gameplay. One of the many pleasant results of such careful engineering is the accelerated pace at which you can blast through hostile swarms by meticulously targeting your fire towards the bonuses made available by each pattern of enemies. For example, some formations are more susceptible to shooting out the same colour of foe, leading to weapon powerups such as the laser of mass destruction (my own wording). This LMD is then very well suited at terminating single columns of enemies that then lead onto further bonuses. Understanding the bonuses available for certain shooting patterns as well as knowing how to exploit the weaknesses of each layout will be your most direct path to the success.

Game design such as this initially draws you in with charming and enjoyable play, whist subtly allowing you to gradually uncover more effective tactics for handling each wave of enemy. Taito may have taken 30 years to progress this title into a form that is still unlikely to be as survivable as the original but is certainly far less forgettable then its predecessors. If your C64 is getting a little on the wonky side of late, and that Ghost Buster cassette is starting to crap out even before Space Invaders will load, then for you my aged friend, Space Invaders Extreme and a PSP is an essential purchase. 

--With Thanks to lime_spider --

Half-Life 2 - from the Orange Box (PS3)

2008-09-18T10:39:00.003+01:00

When I were a lad, although I enjoyed most science lessons, I was given the distinct impression that taking a job that included a free lab coat wasn't really the path to a fulfilling career littered with jacuzzis full of Swedish models. Consequently, I focused more attention on IT support. It was far easier to learn and full of people you could feel superior too by fixing things with a few clicks of mouse. I do wonder though, if only Half-Life 2 had been around when I studied for my A-Levels, I might have actually tried to learn the left hand rule for counting wave lengths (or whatever) and would be well on my way to building a gravity gun by now. Sadly, I've learnt far too late from Mr Freeman that after passing those devilish physics exams I'd be rewarded with a life where the most tricky of scientific experiments consisted of plugging in a portal generator, then spending the rest of my time turning aliens into piles of green goo and bullets.

OK, so maybe I have a problem with the idea of a physicist who could justifiably call Jack Bauer a big girls' blouse. At least it fits in well with the far fetched feel of the overall premise, which by the way, is rather interesting. Mr Freeman is awoken from stasis by "that guy with the briefcase" some 10-20 years (depending on which Valve employee you ask) after the events of Half-Life. He is placed on a train heading towards City 17 where he quickly realises that the world has changed significantly since his last waking moments. An alien force called the Combine have enslaved earth using the portal Freeman helped create. It's now up to Gordon Freeman to help the human resistance start a revolution against this alien big brother and free humanity. Intriguing no? There's a bit more to it then that but you get the general dystopian idea.

My problem is, however (yes, here we go again), the rest of the plot development throughout the game. For the next, oh say 15 hours, you're basically told to go over there and lend a hand. Getting there will probably take about 4 hours, then once you arrive you help out by (being the scientific genius you are) murdering an oncoming onslaught of Combine solders. Imediatly after that you're told to sod off somewhere else inevitably far far away to do the same again. It’s only near the end of this epic backpacking adventure that you finally do something of significance and begin to move the story forward. You remember those montages in Indiana Jones movies where a thick red line slowly makes its way across an OS map? The point of which was so you didn’t have to watch the 15 hour mind numbing journey where Indi buys a train ticket, has a quick nap, then sucks on a few Murray mints before he finally gets to the long lost temple of whajamacallit. OK, so here you drive yourself and the Murray mints are replaced with big guns and puzzles, but still. I suppose I can't be too critical - a lot of games do this. The situation is setup for you, then the game pats you on the head and pushes you off into a virtual playground for the next 20 hours. "Now you have fun little one” says the game, “and if you're good I'll tell you what happens next". Fabulous.

So the first moments of HL2 feel as though I'm stood outside in my frog wellies and duffel coat and am told to go play with concrete blocks in the garden again. Then it's as if I’ve just noticed a mislaid spud gun and an orchard in the distance, the possibilities, suddenly, seem endless. This is precisely because the level design in HL2 is the most detailed and absorbing I've ever seen and that’s exactly why it makes me feels like a kid again. You soon realise that the whole game is merely a single path "cattle run" affair, but disguised so well that you're continually fooled into believing in the virtual world Freeman occupies. Along with the mostly physics-based puzzle elements throughout the game, finding the correct path contributes to the overall brainteaser feel of these areas. The only downside to this might be that when playing while not in the most conscious of states will often have you cursing for where the bleeping beep you're are supposed to go. In a more waking state of mind you'll be able to appreciate this design whilst filling your ego with a few, "a ha ha ha, aren't I clever for realising I have to walk across the......", moments. Combined with some unforgettable set pieces, a smattering of new toys and plenty of gun battles this is where the core of the gameplay lies and on its own would be more then enough to keep you entertained.

While not particularly being a core element of the gameplay, a very nice touch that must have taken a respectable portion of the $40 Million budget to develop is the mesmerising facial animation system. Perhaps looking a little smoothed over compared to Metal Gear Solid 4’s implementation, the facial movements of these virtual actors as well as their recognition of your presence and position goes a long way towards humanising them as well as pulling you further into their world. It's a pity then that after forming such a connection to these non-playable chums, it’s so quickly shattered by giving you command of them in battle. During some heated fire-fights they are flawlessly irritating by constantly standing in your way. Then becoming only slightly bearable by being half witted enough to stand in open ground with no cover heroically absorbing bullets that would otherwise have perforated you, if you'd only been a more accommodating target. Perhaps then I’m not too sad that my comrades’ selfless sacrifice for the future of the human race quickly become as hollow as whatever those Valve AI programmers have been stuffing inside their heads.

Usually, the realisation that a game has come so close to perfection would come crashing over me in a wave of disappointment. But you know what, I actually had a thoroughly good time playing HL2. Sure maybe it’s crying out for gameplay that actually develops and progresses the story rather then just filling in gaping holes in it (as do many other games), and sure your comrades have the IQ of a spam sandwich. But, I can hand on heart say I’ve had few other gaming experiences that were as completely enjoyable. Whether you work in IT support or were actually clever enough to pass that physics degree this is a universally satisfying game you can’t fail to enjoy.

God of War: Chains of Olympus (PSP)

2008-08-31T19:36:00.003+01:00

When you have a game that can pull off large epic vistas, an intuitive combat system and any excuse for an abundant amount of half naked ladies, it’s probably best you don't try and squeeze it onto a portable system. The sense of scale, for one, can hardly have the same impact as the previous games (unless you played them on a 14” B&W TV set), not to mention the possible embarrassment of getting spotted ogling CGI jubblies on the bus. Then again looking at it another way, lets say from a more corporate point of view, moving a game that’s been hugely successful on one platform to another that perhaps has not performed as well as expected (outside of Japan at least) is pretty much a no brainer. Similarly, with few new ideas employed in God of War: Chains of Olympus it feels just as much of a no brainer.

The best example of this is probably the story. Before the game was released we were teased that the plot of this title would take place before the main events of GOW1. Perfect, I thought, now we can play through those intriguing grizzly moments that turned Kratos into a cold-hearted slave of the Gods. Well, bollocks we will. Instead we are given a narrative that is set during the ten-year period after Kratos began his servitude. As in the first GOW, Kratos is, yet again, tasked with stopping the impending destruction of one of the Gods’ favourite holiday resorts. After grumbling about the pay and general working conditions, he’s basically told to take it up with the unions. Kratos, being the sort of guy who takes no crap from no one, goes off and does precisely what he's told. From then on it seems as though the writers can no longer avoid a similar level of apathy towards their work. However, unlike Kratos, they decide to stick it to the man by writing practically nothing for the next 4-5 hours of the game. Now, this has been a constant problem with the GOW series: once the story has (and mostly fairly effectively) set up the reason for going somewhere far far away to get the mystic thing or kill the ancient whatsit, it gives up completely. Only once you’ve pilfered the magical thingy or massacred the unspeakable nasty will the story awake from its unnatural slumber eager to dive into the last 30 minutes of cut scenes and boss-finishing quick time events. Of course, a game does not necessarily need constant plot development to keep you engaged. Shadow of the Colossus, for example, has a very simple narrative that also only progresses at the beginning and end of the game. What differs in GOW is that the initial setup of each piece is so epic and enticing for the player that as soon as the narrative drops from view it can’t help but leave a gapping hole in the game. Thankfully, there is one element which is the most important aspect in any game that is well crafted in COO and which, unlike the story remains captivating throughout.

I am, of course, talking about gameplay, the core of which in GOW is the combat system. Somehow combat systems in these 3rd person brawlers seem to be the most difficult portion of a game to get right. Just a few days ago, I played through the new demo of Force Unleashed and was surprised to find (ok perhaps not) that a publishing house such as Electronic Arts with such vast resources managed to make the thing so clunky and frustrating to handle. A combat system should make you feel powerful even when you’re getting your butt handed to you, should allow you to chain together combos through experimentation rather than studying a text similar to a Boeing 737 cockpit manual and, most all, allow you to bring furious vengeance upon evil-doers with the devastating poise and grace of something like Kill Bill on ice. This latest death rattle from the Star Wars franchise does none of this, where Chains of Olympus, and by that matter every previous GOW, does, and to perfection. Specifically within COO, the combat stands up fairly well compared to the previous titles. It would by no means win any kind of gruelling standing up competition against the PS2 implementations but none the less is almost flawlessly implemented. Aside from some of the quick time events that often require swapping hands to complete, you’ll hardly notice you’re several buttons short of what you’re used to.

You may have noticed that I don’t seem to be able to avoid comparing COO to the previous incarnations of the series. And I could probably go on pointing out other shortcomings compared to the rest of the series – so I will. The graphics are exceptional for the PSP but the PS2 versions are far better, the variety of enemies is much slimmer and the game is far far shorter, but to Ready at Dawn’s credit the story is just as forgettable as always. It may seem unfair to compare games from two consoles of vastly different capabilities but it’s not as unfair as making you pay money to play a gimped version of essentially the same game just for the privilege of carrying it around in your jeans. And there lies the single largest problem with COO along with most of the PSP’s back catalogue. If you make a game for the PSP that tries too hard to emulate what has already been achieved on it’s living room bound cousin you are going to leave many a gamer with an empty hole where a new fulfilling experience should be. Then again, perhaps that’s their own fault for playing too many video games and not seeing more of the real world (myself included).

To conclude, God of War: Chains of Olympus is a neck snapping, boob jiggling, Spartan slicing pocket adventure full of fun and frolics. Plus, if you’ve never owned a PS2 you’ll love every minute of it. Blimey, if you never owned PS2 you probably have been doing something worthwhile with your life. Yeah, well I hope you caught flees in India.

Super Monkey Ball (iPhone)

2008-07-29T08:56:00.002+01:00

Ah, who would have thought that one day we'd have mobile phones that didn't need to be carried around like briefcases, we would have more than one annoying ringtone and would have another billion ways to make you look like a plonker on the way to work. Well, with Super Monkey Ball for the iPhone here is now one more way to raise eyebrows among your fellow commuters.

As you may know, the main selling point of Apple's smudge machine is that it can make you look rather trendy by swapping all the buttons for a touch screen and tilting controls. However, when you add games to such a device, quickly the inverse starts to happen. You instantly transform from uber-cool to raving loon as you wiggle the thing about like you have a bee on a slice of toast. The best way to achieve this effect is to buy a copy of Super Monkey Ball. Here is a game where you need to navigate a monkey, who is in a ball (obviously), around a maze by titling the floor. Floor tilting gaming is naturally a perfect fit for the iPhone and is truly super jolly fun - meaning you'll get right into forgetting you're on a train with a carriage full of people staring at you. The beauty with SMB is that if at first your random phone twitching does not result in a few concerned glares, then your inevitable rage towards primates certainly will.

There are a few specific points that make Super Monkey Ball(s) an exercise in emotional control. For one, most of the levels require very precise twiddling of the iPhone, mostly guiding your chimp down very steep and narrow slopes. Slight involuntary muscle movement will result in a fall into oblivion. Secondly, there is the camera, positioned behind and just above your encapsulated primate, which mercilessly continues to stay in line with the direction of movement. This then creates a little difficulty when turning around and a lot when travelling backward or bouncing off walls. Ironically though, what pushes irritation levels all the way from dandruff to scabies is the sheer addictiveness of the title. Somehow, no matter how quickly I'd burn through lives and continues I'd just keep coming back for more punishment. This is partly generated by the cute fun design of the game. The use of fisher price colours and tweenie pop music (which does repeat little too often) is abundant, but really it's those damn titling controls which are just far too addictive.

All this leads to an experience that I can't really describe as fun. Although somehow very compelling, it is often very intense due to the amount of focus that's required. You'll find yourself ending most levels with either a huge sigh of relief and a lie down or a torrent of rage that may have you turning your iPhone into an expensive Ryvita. I guess I would recommend a purchase as long as you understand the risks of grinding hairline fractures into your molars while being carted off by the transport police.

Metal Gear Solid 4 (PS3)

2008-07-13T18:14:00.004+01:00

 
If there is one game the PS3 has been sorely missing since it's release, it’s one with big manly words in the title. The best I could find so far is Warhawk, not bad but not quite Gears of War or Crackdown. But fret no longer PS3 owners, if you are insecure in your sexuality, you can now proudly display a copy of Metal Gear Solid 4 from your gaming shelf. Friends and neighbours will no longer be curious about the amount of hair product you’ve been using and will never suspect you only bought a copy so you could stare at Snake’s solid butt cheeks for the next 25 hours: you’re now a red-blooded male, grrrr.

I suppose, looking back, Metal Gear Solid should be quite proud of the fact it’s managed to provide some sort of titillation to every possible sexual persuasion on the planet. Naomi is the most schizophrenic of femmes fatals who sees no need for bras or shirt buttons, and Raiden is often mistaken for a girl who likes to run about butt naked. Then at one point during the first game a wolf piddles on Snake (I bet that does something for someone, somewhere). There are so many examples of this type of goings-on in MGS4 that I couldn’t possibly go into them all here, plus I’d get far too distracted. What I’m slightly more interested in is why Kojima continues adding so much variety (not to mention volume) when it comes to thinking up sexy bits for MGS4. Being inclusive is all well and good but he seems to follow the same tact of volume and variety over logic when constructing the story to disastrous effects.

The story is by no means terrible it’s just terribly confused. At times it feels like a recitation from a Vet of both gulf wars with half a pound of depleted uranium in his head. He’s trying to piece together as much as he can but can only recall those epic moments that are having the most effect on his post traumatic stress. The story attempts to be dramatic, comical, moving, and tragic, while at the same time trying to hold together great depths of intertwining plot and to cover all of recent human history. To Kojima’s credit, he more then succeeds at hitting all of these targets, just not in one consistent or convincing story. There are so many examples of this, but, it’s probably best illustrated in Raiden’s narrative. He comes into the game all suped up as a suicidal cyborg ninja. He’s constantly blathering on about having nothing left to live for; outdoing most hippos when it comes to wallowing in his own self-pity. A perfect vehicle for a heroic tragic death you might think, well it would be if he didn’t have so many of them. He’s stabbed a bazzillian times by Vamp (left a whisper from death), crushed by rubble (seemingly dead), crushed by a super tanker (left convinced of death), then fights off a horde of enemies with no arms (assumed no way of survival), only to turn up at the end of the game with not a bloody scratch on him, in a hospital with 2 arms!!! My point is every one of his epic death scenes is so well constructed and emotionally resonating you’re convinced he’s going to cop it this time. However, when he turns up again all fine and dandy you feel somehow emotionally short changed. If it wasn’t for some exceptional acting and Kojima’s outstanding directing of these individual scenes, I would have started skipping most them half way through the game. Instead, on two counts I shed a tear at the end, which, it should be noted, has never happened to me before whilst playing a video game - well unless preceded by 50 failed attempts at trying to finish Alex the Kid.

The gameplay is similarly comprised of many possibly conflicting elements, here, however, they fit together perfectly. For instance, in previous MGS games going all Rambo in a level was an excellent way to get your butt a good bullet roasting. Here it’s quite possible, if you so wish, to hit the deck like Arnie on a roid rage trip and waste every mo fo in sight. Then after you’ve snuffed out an enemy soldier you’re able to fence his gun for credit to buy more hardware. This is no doubt more fun than creeping about in the shadows but with Snake getting on a bit he needs to chill out with a Playboy and a ciggie every now and then to recover (I kid you not). Don’t worry, if you also get cagey around loud noises as there is a nice lump sum for avoiding contact altogether. The gameplay continues to take you to new and interesting places without you feeling alone and helpless unlike the end of some infamous stag night. Some of the more memorable activities have you following a resistance member (dressed like Dick Tracey) without giving away your position or letting him get captured, track someone as if hunting wabbits and one where you attempt to hold your nerve through a breathtaking chase sequence. It honestly had me begging for another hour long cut scene, just to get my heart rate down again. Most of these sections are perhaps a little easy to overcome on the normal difficulty setting but this does not distract from the overall enjoyment of them. At worst, you may feel a little disappointed after completing a certain section but only because you’ll have several other tactics swimming around your head and you just can’t wait to try next time.

In the end Metal Gear Solid 4 tries desperately to give you your monies worth. Some cracks are formed by stuffing so much in but, ultimately, it provides in abundance and with a great amount of satisfaction in most areas of the game. If you’re still having second thoughts about picking up a copy, just remember, it’s a must buy that will show your mates a lot more about where your PS3 is coming from than it will about you.

System Shock 2 (PC) - The Greatest Game EVER!

2008-07-04T10:22:00.003+01:00

Well, at least that’s what I tell people. You know what it’s like: you get into one of those discussions about why such and such is a large pile of toss, then without fail you start spouting pristine examples of the genre. Undoubtedly, you will mention Okami, Perfect Dark, Mario 64, perhaps even Silent Hill. These regurgitations are so well oiled by now that you’ll hear the same few examples spouted again and again (perhaps because there are so few good examples) until they reverberate around your own sub-consciousness and you recite them without a second thought. I’m as guilty as the rest of them I’m afraid. My own personal favourite knee-jerk reaction to such situations is System Shock 2.

I’m not trying to say that those titles are totally without merit or that we’re only repeating others' opinions, just that maybe most echoes going around might be the result of a little Danger Mouse effect. You know about the Danger Mouse effect, surely? From your childhood it’s your most loved early Saturday morning cartoon, equally cherished and adored by others you mention it to (who remember those days). However, upon watching Danger Mouse again today you will no doubt quickly realise it’s the most nonsensical pile of piffle you’ve ever laid your eyes on. A secret agent mouse with an eye patch who lives in a post box? Come on, really. So I worry from time to time that my unchallenged devotion to System Shock 2 might also be on shaky foundations. I was, of course, much younger and much less wise to the intricacies that go into making a truly first class video game. More then this though, I’m sure the graphics would be laughable by today’s standards, the game play dynamics would have been studied thoroughly and improved upon since then and I’m sure I’ve heard more chilling moans from the dimly lit distance of abandoned space ships. I’d best take another look, just to be sure.

CRICKEY!!! This still scares 7 shades of top soil out of me. After about 10 minutes in I’d saved the game about 20 times and managed to walk about 4 meters through the ship. Progress was going to take some time unless I grew some stones fairly quickly. Aside from dimly lit corridors and the sense of isolation (occasionally interrupted by your back seat driver friend who drip feeds you cyber modules when you’ve been good), I believe it’s the level design that’s most responsible for the new colour scheme decorating your pants. It’s claustrophobic, features many corpses that have been discarded in the most uncomfortable of circumstances and some very disconcerting noises coming from almost every area of the ship. Also, a significant portion of the terror can be put down to your character being about as hard as a lattice of rice paper. He is, essentially, a copy of your average IT admin: great technical and hacking skills, likes hanging out in dark rooms with only the odd little flashing light for comfort and immediately pisses himself and dies at the slightest inkling of confrontation. Oh, he also likes to fiddle with himself due to a fetish for the latest upgrades. What was it Tyler Durden said about self-improvement? Anyway, the sense of feebleness is only further increased by your only reliable weapon being a wrench, the fact he manages to break every gun after a few shots and his main special ability is shooting snow flakes from his hands. Interesting how they swapped snow flakes for bees in Bio Shock.

To begin with this was all fine and marvellous, and I thought to myself: “Well done chaps, this environment has certainly given me the willies.” As time pressed on, though, other thoughts started to creep in, like “What the feck have they made this gun out of, potatoes?”, and, “How the hell did anyone actually live on this ship without some bread crumbs and a months supply freeze dried SAS rations”. By having a gun that jams while a bunch of hybrids (zombies to everyone else) chew on your arse, the game immediately dampens the fear factor a little (further reduced by you dying all the time), replacing it with a bit of pure rage. Even if this might seem to some to be excellent game dynamic, where’s the explanation? If I’d been told from the start that all the weapons you’ll find are going to be made from Styrofoam, then, at least the game world would have remained a little more intact for me. This is balanced out by letting you upgrade your repair skills which will allow you to fix various weapons. All perfectly reasonable, and I’m sure I’d need a few night classes before I could do the same but I fail to see why he needs an upgrade to actually use these guns. What’s he upgrading? The length of his index finger? This brings me onto the level design. The layout of most the decks are superbly considered from a gameplay perspective. You have to be as carefull when you tackle enemies as you do with the rest of the ship. Almost every room is a small puzzle that can be engaged in in many different ways depending on your skills at the time. In creating these labyrinths full of fear and puzzles, however, what seems to be lost is the sense that this is a layout of a real ship because it looks more like a mangled submarine. Other games have pulled this off by starting out with a convincing layout only to introduce an abundance of locked doors that not even a shotgun can get through (you know what game I’m talking about). At least here they could have just been welded up, perhaps as the crew tried the seal themselves off from the body snatching invasion. This would have fitted in nicely with all the other ripped off elements from Aliens – of which there are many.

At the end of the day it’s all too easy to grumble about inconsistencies between the realities video games create and their gameplay - not to mention futile. Very few games seem to care about this sort of thing and - if you believe in sales figures - very few players do either. I suppose as long as the game play is solid and the environment is engaging then it does not really matter. In System Shock 2’s case it certainly excels on both these counts and many more. So I guess it’s safe for me to continue holding up SS2 with such unwavering praise then? Well, if you consider that its failures continue to plague very many games today whereas its successes are only bettered by very few, then yes, I guess I still can. I’ll just have to keep in mind that it’s not perfect, to be wary of the Danger Mouse effect and to make sure I never sit down to watch Thunder Cats (ho).

Grand Theft Auto IV (PS3)

2008-05-28T15:09:00.005+01:00

There is something quite exhilarating about being a bit naughty. Personally, I just can’t help getting a buzz from throwing chip wrappers into the wrong recycling bin. I’m not sure which one of my twisted childhood experiences made me so evil but from the latest GTA sales figures it seems I’m not alone. I’m exaggerating of course: GTA has always been about a lot more then playing out fantasies about mowing down pedestrians without having to worry about ruining your car’s paint work. Every incarnation has managed to push the boundaries of our expectations and with a move to new hardware you can expect those boundaries to get pushed further and further into your wildest (possibly twisted) dreams.

This time around you play as Niko, an eastern European with a somewhat troubled and shady history. He comes to the land of the free and the home of the hotdog to find a new life with a little revenge on the side. Soon enough, however, Niko is up to his old tricks. Following the Toni Montana path to the American dream, you’ll be running drugs, enforcing protection rackets and running down gangsters. The main driving force behind Niko is not as sinister as you might expect though, most of these activities are to help his cousin out of some massive gambling debts whilst also tracking down some people from the old country that sold out his army unit. Much like the game as a whole, Niko’s story and personality are still unmistakably GTA, just with a little grit kicked around here and there for good measure.

With Niko being a much more well rounded character he can enjoy many other activities aside from maiming his fellow man. For instance, the dating is back with a vengeance. While still not being necessary (so far) for your progress through the game, it will make it a lot smoother and certainly more interesting in the long run. You can now take your mates and mistresses out for various fun and frolics including bowling, dinner, drinking, darts, cheap shows, comedy clubs and strip bars. The latter being the most widely appreciated by your male friends. You’re chums consist exclusively of those you have previous been working for, except now they think your cool enough to hang out with. Girlfriends this time are picked up from an internet dating site - where else. You can browse though the descriptions, much like Tesco online, and choose your beloved(s). All you have to do then is wait for the email back, reply, pick them up at the right time (your mobile’s calendar keeps track of this for you) and show them a good time. The girls and boys of GTA will have particular tastes when it comes to their social activities and it’s up to you too discover them. If successful you’ll be able to call them up for special favours, one of which is the ability to purchase discount firearms from your pals personal store/car boot. Keeping favour with them can become tricky if you get too popular but if you are prepared to put the time in, and you like driving A LOT, then the rewards are there to be had.

It’s pretty lucky then that I enjoy the driving in GTA even more than the cold blooded murder, especially as it’s been massively improved here from the old version. The physics have had the most notable upgrade now giving you a much firmer connection to the road surface. This in turn sparked my Gran Turismo brain cells into life and now I can’t stop driving using the “on the bonnet camera”. This is kind of a shame in some ways as I’m sure I’m missing out on a lot of humour and detail going on around me - not to mention some excellent car damage. But then it does let me weave through traffic more effectively at 90mph. This boost of realism has had some nasty side effects though. For some reason where the bikes used to be the most enjoyable method of transport, hopping on the back of them here has me chewing on the analogue sticks in a matter of seconds. These two wheeled hogs will now only go round corners if you’re doing 5mph, any faster and you’ll have a turning circle like Jupiter. Travelling in a straight line was just as painful as I could only accelerate at the speed of a badger with a heavy cold.

Mercifully, the combat suffers from no such downsides due to these new levels of grit and realism. A lot has been changed from the previous system and if we are all honest, it kind of had too. Now pressing L2 locks you onto the nearest victim, allowing you to aim around their body and choose the most effective method of execution. As a result, they do react to wherever they have been shot, limping or vocalising their pain from a particular body part. Aiming far enough to the edges of your foe then flips to the next in that direction, while releasing some pressure on L2 gives you complete free aim. You’re now also now able to take cover, allowing you to blind fire with inhuman accuracy. However, running or rolling to immediately sticking to cover feels very natural and seamless. My personal favourite combat moments were skidding the car to a halt side on to some bad dudes, then jumping out and using the car as cover whilst pretending to be Jean Reno in Ronin, magnifique! All in all the combat is fairly unique and perfectly realised, initially taking a while to master and in time turning you into a lethal weapon.

Now I realise I’ve come upon a dilemma that perfectly illustrates my next point. The problem being I’ve only talked about the driving, dating and homicides and I’m pretty close to 1000 words in, whereas I usually try and stick to just below that. The reason for this is that GTA4 has SO much content and SO much detail that I may as well fling the word limit out the window closely followed by any kind of concise writing. And so some of the best examples of this kind of detail are the drunken walking, the six axis bowling, the arcade machines, the internet cafes, the fantastically disturbing profiles of people on the dating site, your mobile, multiplayer invites, Niko’s CV, the stunning scenery, the weather effects, the massive sound track, Laslow, Russian radio, Ricky Gervais, character animations, lip syncing, the fact I’ve been playing for 25hours and only completed 35% of the game, passed 54 missions, died 28 times, killed 549 people, stolen 145 cars (only 1 bike), run over 158 people, driven 362 miles, spend $4700 on clothes, $740 on dates, eaten 4 hotdogs, picked my nose 35 times and worn the same underwear for 3 days.

Even with all this, I think the point when I realised that this game had something a bit special about it was after I’d just been playing for 8 solid straight hours and felt I could have done with another 30 minutes. At no point was I bored or too annoyed with the game: if I failed a mission a few times, I did some dating; when I got bored of that I explored the city listening to the radio; when I had to eat I watched the TV in Niko’s flat… And every one of those activities and many more were just as enjoyable and addictive as the last.

DualShock 3 (PS3)

2008-05-17T17:23:00.002+01:00

Most would agree that Rumble on the PS3 has been a long time coming, especially as it's available almost everywhere else that matters already apart from Europe. Under these circumstances, you can hardly be blamed for using the internet equivalent of “that guy down the pub with the large coat” to acquire one. How I managed to get my hands on one is unimportant really but it should be noted I decided against the discount Rolex. The DualShock 3 cost me around £31 inc. p&p which, considering the embargo and current price of £28, for a SixAxis is a pretty good deal. Although by the time it's officially released, most likely along with Metal Gear Solid 4 on 12th June, I expect this price to come down a little.

Aside from Metal Gear Solid 4 you may be surprised to learn that even now there are a great number of games that already support the rumbling controller. Under cover of software patches, this support has been snuck into a many titles including MotorStorm, Uncharted, Warhawk, Resistance, and Heavenly Sword to name just a few, not forgetting of course, all those PS2 games that currently run on the PS3. I managed to sacrifice some time to try it out for you on Gran Turismo 5 Prologue and Grand Theft Auto 4. GT5 brought back that sometimes delicate and always precise rumble I'd been missing so much. Sliding into the corners at speed gave a small tweak to one side of the pad, while thwacking rubber against rumble strip produced enough vibration to loosen the odd fingernail. GTA 4 gave the most surprises as here the rumble was used in some of the most imaginative ways. From thunder crashing around you to certain intimate moments with your girlfriend, you are provided with no end of palm stimulating joy.

As the pad seemed to be getting a good workout on GTA, I decided to continue my stint for a further 8 hours for the sole purpose of testing the batteries - of course. I then invited the boys round for most of the next day and had some much needed PES action. And I’m happy to say that it did indeed hold up against the strain, lasting the whole 2 days non-stop on a single charge. With that concern put to rest, another that’s been flying around the interweb is the lack of tilting controls. I’m not sure why some would think Sony might have dropped SixAxis controls but don’t panic they are still there and have been thoroughly put through their paces in the bowling lanes of Liberty City. To be honest, the extra weight now found inside the DS3 has probably improved the feel of the SixAxis controls. Somehow it seems as if you gain some extra precision by having more feel for the movement of the controller. It certainly felt more natural when bowling in GTA and far more satisfying when flung at speed through the nearest open window after attempting that bleeping bank robbery for the umpteenth time.

In the end there’s not much left to say really, it’s a SixAxis with rumble that you’ll have no choice but to buy in a couple of months anyway. So should you fear the future? Not at all, and I wouldn’t blame you for trying to get there a little early either.

Gran Turismo 5: Prologue (PS3)

2008-04-20T19:23:00.003+01:00

For most racers there is not really anywhere left to go. After deciding on brutal realism or wacky races you then simply add on a few more features (car damage, online play, car wash) every version until you run out of ideas and have to start including bikes. This maybe a blessing when it comes to Gran Turismo, because unlike others it's only ever been concerned with very few elements, physics, graphics and car voyeurism, doing each of these to perfection. Sure Mr Yamauchi could add car damage if he wanted to, but then he'd have to divert processing power from simulating the effects of tiny pieces of gravel under the car’s wheels, and that just would not do. So now we have Gran Turismo 5 Prologue, a small sample of some of the new features we can expect from the first real instalment of Gran Turismo for the PS3.

Some of the most exciting additions can be found in the most important part of the game - the driving. The largely self publicised driver’s eye view sure does look pretty, giving you a perfect recreation of the inside of every car available, and no doubt the only way I'll ever see the inside of a Ferrari. Functionally I found it truly first class. After a little patience, I felt it was easier to navigate trickier corners this way than using the more traditional on the bonnet view. I suspect this is from having a visual cue to where the steering wheel is positioned. Wherever you decided to sit in or on your car you'll be truly slapped to the ground by the graphical prowess on display around you. Driving from tunnels leaves a blinding light that fades into normal view even saturating out colour, shadows pass over intricate stitching in your gloves, even road side turf looks like it's been dug out of a Tiger Woods game. Forget games looking like Pixar movies, soon they will seem like live TV. After seeing GT:P you can bet your Bravia it's close, real close. Next helping you down the long winding road to glory is the racing line. Perfected in many other racers here it seems a little basic, turning red to let you know when to brake, often giving you an entry speed for the corner and......erm well that's about it really. Kind of odd but I suspect this is due to Mr Yamauchi pandering to the serious drivers and not wanting to patronise too much. Controls for this driving experience continue to be as sharp and responsive as they have always been but with a noticeable omission of six-axis steering. Understandably, perhaps the Sony exec that usually administers Chinese burns to those who try to leave out tilting controls was on holiday? But then yet another trick that seems to have been missed is the implementation of those sprung shoulder buttons, what gives? Surely racing games are the whole purpose of these controls. You can of course remap them yourself and I found they worked perfectly well giving you far more control of the throttle over trying to balance thumb pressure on the X button.

Outside of the driving experience the main menu has a few surprises for you. Most unexpected is GT:TV, where the staff of Polyphony talk about and even review cars! I remember first becoming concerned about their obsession with cars when GT:4 included a feature that let you take your vehicle to various exotic locations and take snaps of it. Somehow I still have more holiday photos of an RZ Supra than my girlfriend. The romancing of the car continues in the background of the menu screen where your selected beloved is again whisked away to pose in locations all over the globe. Less worrying new features include being able to clear an event with 3rd place, change your car just before entering a race and a quick tune menu. Reassuringly, all the traditional elements are at play here. Your objective is to spend a pitiful amount of cash on a car that has barely enough power to escape the force of its own wind resistance, win races, get super rich and spend it all on glacier mints and pine air fresheners more cars. Due to this essentially being a super-sized demo there is a lot missing here, there are only 70 cars and you’re now down to about 6 tracks. Stop moaning - it is only £25. As a result of this you'll have burned rubber through to the last class of races pretty quickly where the difficulty curve reaches a gradient more familiar to the average mountain goat. Still all the old rules hold true: if your name begins with Lewis and ends with Hamilton, you'll be able to finish all the races first off with the same car your mum drives. If you're me, however, you'll end up stuck in the A class, racing around Piccadilly Circus at mach 10 over and over again until you have enough money to buy a Ferrari, a task no doubt more familiar to black cabbies.

Once you've finished the A Class you’re treated to the special tuning mode and gain access to the rest of the online races. Until this point you’re relegated to only a few online races usually populated by drivers from Death Race 2000 and end up feeling more like an Ultimate Fighting Championship. The game does try and weed out problems caused by these drivers by turning off collisions on cars that behave erratically or giving out time penalties for causing severe crashes, but the system still needs a little more work. Later online events are a much more professional affair and require certain conditions to be met before entry, often focusing on limiting the amount of performance points you can use. Tweaking weight, horse power, gear ratio, etc. in the quick tuning menu, will increase or reduce the performance points. In the end though fiddling under the bonnet of my beloved Ferrari did feel a little like putting lip gloss on the Mona Lisa. Overall the online aspect in GT:P is a shining example of how to organise online matches. Each one took no more than a minute to setup and go, faster if you repeat the same race again. Plus it does away with nasty lists of servers, just showing the race type and entry requirements. Each time I connected I had a track with, almost always, 16 people racing at the same time with very little noticeable lag or cars disappearing off the track. Plus, any money won from these races you can spend in game on fury dice and nodding dogs even more cars. Then if you do find your hot stuff behind the wheel of a motor you'll notice your lap times start to get uploaded to the GT leader board. However, if you’re not and you feel like improving your racing line you can download replays from here and see how pros do it.

There may not be any pine trees, fury dice, bikes or car damage in GT:P, but there is a long way to go until the game is really finished. What you will find is that GT:P tries out some important and well realised advances for the series, and though baby steps here, they are perfectly formed showing great potential for this Christmas. I’ll just have to keep my fingers crossed for those in-car glacier mints.

Ratchet & Clank: Tools of Destruction (PS3)

2008-04-08T09:37:00.003+01:00

I have never played a Ratchet & Clank game before (Gasp from the readers). Let's just put that right out there before we go any further. I guess I've always thought that platform games should have died out along with text adventures and Tetris (further gasps!). However, when the bright new age of 3D gaming arrived it was decided that platform games should be saved and reinvented for a new gaming generation. This generation must have been pretty young - with a rather vivid imagination - because in most of these new incarnations you often end up playing as a purple dragon, a hedgehog with a blue rinse or a character from the latest Disney movie. Now I come to think about it, a plumber who eats way too many mushrooms before rescuing princesses from giant lizards seems to be the most plausible really.

Ratchet & Clank is equally fantastical. You play as Ratchet, the last Lombrat Lombax in the universe, who is trying to find out what happened to the rest of his race and, of course, save the galaxy from utter doom. Helping you on your quest is a small talking rucksack named Clank, who Ratchet found back in the first game. Clank is Ratchet's robot friend; he likes being super brainy, bossing around Ratchet, taking walks in the rain and saving the galaxy from sheer peril. Doom and peril come this time from a little alien whose ego matches the size of the space left in his shoes. Apparently he is the last of the Cragmite race who had a huge war with the Lombaxes . He now feels the need to finish the job by turning Ratchet into a pair of small furry yellow slippers, while also taking over the galaxy.

As you can no doubt tell the story starts off with a few predictable elements sown together to form a slightly more interesting narrative which at best reaches slightly intriguing but often leaves you with a sense of "umm well ok if you say so". This is no bad thing mind because from the outset the main driving force behind Ratchet & Clank is pure fun. A deep and complex plot has, thankfully, been sacrificed for some top notch humour which never gets tired or repetitive and had me laughing out loud at many moments right through the game. From calling a rare material Raritanium to classics like the code name "Dead Meat" it certainly gets an A+ for comic value. Even most of the weapons have a particularly witty slant to them, such as the Groovitron. Throwing this mirror ball at a group of enemies makes them start dancing. Giving you the opportunity to blast them while they get their freak on. However, I found all the dancing so hilarious I'd often just sit there hypnotised by the excellent animation, then being taken by surprise when they snap out of it so fast you'd swear someone just started playing Rick Astley.

By using humour and weapons Ratchet & Clank sets its self apart from the crowd, escaping the curse of the crappy Disney platformer. Additionally it goes a lot further than just the standard weapon types, shotgun, rifle, pistol. Some having pretty wacky methods of dispatching your foes, such as the Transmorpher that temporarily turns evil types into cute little penguins, slightly counter productive really as my heart sank every time I had to blow one of those little suckers away (sniff). Others aren't too wacky, only having some amusing names and being big piles of fun to use. As well as giving you an arsenal large enough to invade north Korea, the game makes sure certain weapons are more effective at turning baddies into mush than others, thumbs up there to be sure. However annoyances start to creep in when you also have a vast array of devices (essentially grenades) that can't be selected separately to your weapon of choice. This small irritation quickly becomes as much fun as picking your nose with a Stanley knife, when you also have a set of "tools" that have to be used in certain situations and are also wired to the main fire button. At times all this faffing about in the weapon selection screen does distract from the otherwise excellent pace of the game and could so easily have been resolved with one button for tools and say another for destruction.

Additionally to the huge array of weapons is an equally large amount of possibilities when it comes to upgrading them. First off simply using your shooter will augment it in some way over time. However the main way of upgrading your small armoury is by collecting bolts which can be spent at most good alien weapon merchants. The upgrade system here works a lot like Blockbusters* (stay with me), after choosing the first upgrade tile you can then choose from the hexagonal tiles around it for your next upgrade. Asking for an "A please Bob" for a larger ammo clip, for example, until you follow that upgrade path to it's conclusion. Bolts can also be used to buy rather couture looking armour, further bizarre devices and, of course, more weapons.

There is only one part of the game where all these weapons and shopping sprees become totally pointless and was also one of the most surprising and inspired parts for me. On occasion when hopping between planets in your space ship you'll have to fight off other attacking forces. This plunges you into a very refreshing rail shooter type game much like one of those old StarWars arcade machines. Viewing your ship in 3rd person from behind, you use one stick to move your craft around the screen and the other to move your gun sights. I found this type of control scheme needed some sort of split in my brain to focus on shooting and moving at the same time. Much like walking and talking at same time I imagine girls are far better at this sort of thing. All the while your ship whizzes around black holes, coronas of suns and far too close to the sides of much larger ships. This all looks stunning and only compliments the high quality of visuals throughout the game.

Ratchet & Clank: Tools of Destruction can best be described and big pile of steaming fun. A non stop roller-coaster of whit, charm, destruction with only the odd disconcerting rattle coming from the tracks below. If nothing else it has cured me of my irrational fear of cute looking platformers. All I need now is a game with coat hangers, wet lettuce and carnival midgets. (Shudder)

*For those of you not born in the 80s I don't mean the Blockbusters where you rent your Sponge Bob Square Pants DVDs from. Please ask your Mum what I'm referring to.

Patapon (PSP)

2008-03-25T17:25:00.003Z

In the beginning Nintendo created the Gameboy. The Gameboy went forth and prospered and there was much rejoicing. Then came another creator who on seeing the success of the Gameboy become enraged and mighty jealous. This creator, the Sony, gave birth to the PSP, and there was much rejoicing. Sony said unto the PSP, "go forth my child and spawn a catalogue of awesome games". The PSP went out into the world and spawned a line of games that mostly sucked balls, and there was much disappointment. Many years did pass until the Sony woke again. The Sony saw the lineup of games the PSP had spawned and agreed that they did both suck and blow in equally great amounts. And so the Sony said, "f this I'll show you how to make a decent PSP game" and so Patapon was born.

As well as stroking my megalomania, something that can't be helped when they start calling you the almighty, I got a feeling early on that I was in for something quite special with Patapon. The first very big thing this little game has going for it is it's originality, created from two well worn concepts of Music & Rhythm and Strategy gaming that are fused together to form a very enjoyable and addictive piece of work. The game plays both of these these sides in a well balanced manner. You command a tribe of Patapon with a few basic commands, forward, defend, attack and so on. To issue these commands you have to drum the main PSP buttons in a particular pattern to the beat the Patapons are thumping out for you. Square Square Square Circle is to move them forwards, Circle Square Circle Circle is to get them to attack. When you press Circle however you make the sound "Pon" and when you press Square you make the sound "Pata", therefore drumming "Pata Pata Pata Pon" will make them march and so forth and so on. You can't argue that this does turn out to be a lot of fun, you will learn the commands very quickly as you're repeating them all the time and they make a funky little beat that fits perfectly into the little Patapons singing. I did find a small negative, and I guess you're not supposed to really be playing the game like this, but after 9 hours over a few days of play I think I started to go a little loopy as well as gaining a stabbing pain in my thumb. It might be that I get songs stuck in my head rather easily but even now as I start to think of those little critters their singing comes back again, I hear those little buggers singing away in my head, there they are again, why don't the leave me alone, get them out, aaaaahhhhhhhhggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!

After drumming 10 beats in a row the Patapons then go into fever mode chucking spears higher and swinging axes faster and as you get better and better at hitting the beats at the right time you'll reach fever in less beats and stay there longer which becomes vital for later bosses. Hitting a good rhythm is only one key to success, the other is a carefully planed strategy and you'll really need both to get anywhere. You'll have to keep the level of Patapons up to finish most missions, making sure too many don't get gobbled up by big scary monsters but also by making more of them. From the Tree of Life you can create more Patapons, some with spears or arrows or horses, etc, however each Patapon will cost you in Ka-Ching which you gather from kills in battle and materials which you get from hunting and a rather odd dancing tree who likes jazz. I could not make this up if I tried. Anywoo using different materials will create different Patapons that will have very different properties, makes sense, but will also cost you way more Ka-ching to produce. You're also encouraged to change weapons, hats and shields you're minions posses but only after nicking them off your foes. And so your then off with your army of little eye balls as they pulverise the enemy square? eye balls, dragons and huge worms in the cutest possible way of course.

Be warned though, don't be fooled by the child pleasing look of this title, underneath its warm fuzzy lovable exterior is a thick lump of steel toe capped boot ready to plant its self squarely in your nut-sack the moment you stop taking it seriously. This IS kick in the balls tough. The first few levels are no doubt pleasant enough easing you into the idea of the game but soon afterwards you'll have to step your game up. Not all levels are so hard core but often you come across one that will require you to go back and do some hunting missions 3 or 4 times then defeat a boss, then grow more Patapon, then sit in a sound proof padded room with a metronome. As an example at one point you have to perform a miracle, and truly it was one that I pulled it off at all. You make it rain by getting up to fever while the flames of the desert are licking your balls, then do the little sequence which in turn sets off another sequence for you to perform. This "miracle" of rain last about 5 seconds giving you just enough time to get a little way across the desert before having to perform it again but not only that you have several sodding rocks to clear and a dam snail in front of you slowing you down. I'm not kidding a mother fucking giant snail that takes a Spartan army's worth of spears to kill!!! Maybe it's because I'm a lazy westerner spoilt by years of Need for Speed or driving Miss Daisy difficulties in WW2 shooters or I guess I'm missing some of bionic implants and seriously honed Japanese gaming skills our friends in the east posses. I shouldn't complain really, if you focus and remember your training you will be able to complete these levels.....eventually. It will take a few goes and several teeth marks in your PSP, but then the wave of satisfaction you get after will be worth it.

The visuals although basic in hardware rendering terms are as much super kawaii as a they are a real delight to gaze at and are perfectly formed for the PSP. Patapon really makes great use of the uber large wide-screen you have as well as giving you some of the fastest load times I've ever seen on the system, finally a game which is perfect for the PSP, I even found the battery seemed to last longer than usual. The themes and styles here are very Japanese, from the shadow puppet look to the very Zatochi dancing you're treated to when completing a mission. I think I'd go as far as describing it as one of the few examples of a game really being a work of art, standing comfortably alongside games like Silent Hill 2, ICO and Shadow of the Colossus despite the lack of polygon counts, odd how Sony often have to make these themselves.

There is not much more I can say except never before have I seen a game so well crafted for the PSP; if you don't buy yours a copy when your PSP dies the Sony, the creator, will judge it's life and see the PSP's unfulfilled potential and wasted life then surly let it burn in silicon hell for all eternity, and you wouldn't want that to happen would you?

Sid Meier’s Pirates (PSP)

2008-03-10T16:15:00.005Z

For this review I’ve decided to set myself a challenge, it will be difficult, quite demanding and require reviewing skills I’ve never had to call upon before. With God as my witness I shall not use any piraty words or sayings. Such phrases as, “yar scurvey dogs”, and, “swash buckling”, have now been sent to "Davy Jones' Locker", mainly because I have no sodding idea what they mean anyway and don’t pretend you do either. Right let’s get started.

As you probably know Sid Meier’s Pirates is by that guy most famous for Sid Meier’s Civilization, what’s his name, Bob Dyer…..? Anywoo games like Sid Meier’s Civilization and many similar strategy type creations, are either pure digital crack or they are cut with a little bit too much talc and powdered glass to really keep you hooked into the small hours. For me at least, Sim City 2000, Transport Tycoon, Syndicate and Sid Meier's Civilization, were all the finest high grade yayo but pirates doesn’t seem to be 100% pure Colombian I had hoped for.

Maybe it’s because Sid Meier's Pirates is actually an upgrade of the Pirates game that Shamus McAier made back in 1987 for the C64. Back then you where a bit limited by what you could get to run, that's probably why it's not really a pure strategy game. It’s more an odd mix of sailing, mini games and bit of strategy thrown in for good measure. You start out during the 1600s as Jimmy (if you like) the young privateer on a quest to find your lost family who have been scattered throughout the Caribbean. First of all you have to choose a few basic attributes for your character. Main skills consisting of Gunnery, Swords Man, Charm (Ponce) or Medicine. Then you have to align with one of the four main nationalities which have decided to try and bring slavery, repression and smallpox to the natives. You have English, French, Dutch, Spanish but - sadly for me - no Welsh. After choosing the difficulty you then take command of your ship and are off to the high seas in search of fame, fortune, scurvy and a lost family.

If you choose not to get rapped up in just searching for dozy relatives this game has a hell of a lot for you. All these choices have varying effects on your options later and your success throughout the game. These include mainly, but by no means exclusively, sailing about in your little boat blowing up other ships, then docking at a port to chat to the locals, hiring sailors, selling goods, repairing or upgrading your ship. You can also get info on where to go next to pilfer loot, dig for treasure, capture evil nasty pirates or blow more ships out of the water. Locals mainly consist of barmaids with info and tips, bartenders with the same or some guy in the back to beat up and mysterious strangers selling treasure maps and other useful bits. More often than not I just kept employing sailors, selling stuff and repairing the ship but it really depends on how you want to play.  I also found the barmaid most useless but she did have cleavage you could hide a small parrot in. Somehow I spoke to her quite often.

In the above activities you'll find the most enjoyment. - But there's more! When you're sailing about you need to keep an eye on the happiness of your crew who too long at sea will all get brassed off with all the male companionship they have had with each other. Not having enough plunder to spend on ladies of the night when they eventually dock will miff them off a bit too, oh and they also need feeding. There is a popularity system that keeps track of how chuffed each nation is with you. Attacking a nation that another is at  war with will please the latter and attacking natives and pirates will please them all. It's worth keeping in mind who everyone is at war with too because for certain objectives on the path of revenge you'll need to get a promotion from a particular nation then later perhaps one from another. It's also worth noting that you can't dance with the governor's prettiest daughter unless you have a sufficient rank and the dancing is worth doing as they have a lot more for you than somewhere to hide your parrot.

These tasks work perfectly with each other and create a great adventure/strategy experience with just one part holding this all together which fails deliver and ends up putting way too much grind into the works. And that would be the sailing which, unfortunately, is what you'll spend most of your time doing and is one of the most irritating parts of the game. You control your mighty vessel with a top down view, steering left and right, down to hoist sails or unhoist them. Again, fine, but the problem is that Sam Ivor has decided to factor in the wind. So if you sail away from it, you'll zoom off like Speedy Gonzales shitting out a Vindaloo. Sailing towards the wind is as much fun as pissing into it. This is made more irritating by the wind always coming from the same direction, which I guess maybe it does over there but if I wanted that kind of brutal realism I’d expect the game to come with an eye patch and a packet of typhus. The problems with sailing are then only exacerbated by the navigation. You press start for the map which gives you your location, then you have to guess the right angle to point your boat in. So you can either try and point it the right way and pray to God you need to go west or if you have to go east you can gain some speed by zig zagging up and down the map making the most of the wind and getting hopelessly lost. This could easily have been solved by letting you put a marker on the map and having some sort of radar pointer which would make the whole experience much more enjoyable. However, due to all the complexities with sailing I found I kept forgetting where I was supposed to be going or what my main objective was mainly by getting distracted with other ships passing, getting into fights, stopping off at the closest port for repairs or more sailors, chatting to locals, and picking up more missions but only doing half those - and repeating this over and over again until I went a bit loopy and started looking at everything with one eye closed calling myself Jim Bob the Bloody.

Everything else you do basically involves a mini game of some sort which are simple but quite fun: fencing another captain (Mini Tekken), taking a town (mini C&C), sneaking into a town (mini Metal Gear Solid), dancing to woe the Governor's daughter (umm, mini Dance Revolution?). There are a lot of animations that liven this up and they are pretty humorous but you end up seeing them so often that the effects wear off pretty quickly. These parts can also sadly become tedious due to some strangely long load times for what you're getting to see. They're not really that long but when your repeating the same sequences this often it does grate a bit. Plus I couldn't really see what it was spending it's time doing as the graphics are not the hottest by any means.

So all in all Sid Meier’s Pirates was so close to being the digital crack I was hoping for if it hadn't have been for some odd oversights in gameplay. If I where you, I'd give it a rent yourself and take a look. Then if you have more patience to overcome it's problems than me or you have a small monkey you can train to do all the sailing bits for you, you'll be in for a swash buckling good time! Arr arr me ship maties avast me booty. Damit!

Warhawk (PS3)

2008-02-28T14:56:00.003Z

War hmmm what is it good for? Absolutely tons of video games for one, because if you head down to your local video game shop you'll see more games about serving up the funky end of a shootar to your fellow man than the body count in the latest Rambo movie. Warhawk though might be just different enough from other gun toting fests to be worth a look.

The first detail that makes Warhawk stand out from the crowd is that it is entirely online allowing 32 people at the same time to snarl down a gun barrel at you, also it's a pretty descent sized game worthy of a disk release, which it has but you can get it with your arse firmly planted to the sofa through the PlayStation store, making the sofa where your arse will stay for next few hours while you get it handed to you from players across the globe. Though dieing over and over again and being laughed at through your surround system by someone who still lives with his mum might not sound like lot of fun, and initially it’s not, you’ll soon find yourself getting into swing of things. This is helped a lot by a neat ranking system that you can use to find matches fleshed out by those that suck as much as you do; allowing you at least to get a few kills in while you work out which end of the rifle is the funky end. As well as being able to access other matches by increasing your rank you’ll also be able to unlock various odd little paintjobs for vehicles and clothes for your aviator. I like to theorise that if you come across someone who has obviously been playing dress up with his character a bit too much then you should probably stay away from them, one because they will be better than you at the game from unlocking all these options and two if they like playing with virtual male dolls rather a lot they must be a bit psychotic and might come round your house and cut off your ear if you kill them. Additionally you can unlock medals for certain achievements inside the game like killing people a certain amount times or getting the flag way too often. The most obvious ones missing though are sniping cunt or twat who puts mines next to turrets; I expect to see those in the next update.

For the most part the game play is pretty intuitive, it's third person, all the right buttons do the running looking and shooting, but my personal favourite has to be the weapon selection. Here you push the d-pad down for knife left for assault rifle up left for something else and so on. I see a lot of games heading in this direction lately and good for them because in the heat of battle, especially online, you need a very quick selection system and this provides. The other more unique control system employed here is the six axis tilting which is most useful when the flying the Warhawk it's self. Many many games have ham fistedly stuffed six axis controls into their games like they’re trying to empty the fridge into a new pie maker, but with varying degrees of success and for me in Warhawk they come fairly close to Ginster levels of perfection. Although the flying took me about 30mins to really get comfortable with and then I still find it a little difficult to get my aim spot on in dog fights. Still it is very responsive and I'd always rather control the flying this way than any other, I'll just keep practising until my hand eye co-ordination does not suck so much.

The actual game play is superb, they seem to have a perfect balance between all the vehicles and weapons you can pick up, for example, you might think the massive bullet shitting plane would be everyone’s first choice leaving everything else sat around about as unpopular as Jade Goody, but this is not the case. In most matches I found myself being run over by trucks, knifed in the back, shafted with tank shells and dive bombed by Warhawks. Even though the Warhawks seem the most fun they are a bit tricky to master and easy to blow out of the sky when they’re not whizzing around at Mac 10. On foot you’re pretty hard to spot, not much armour but a fun range of weapons including a rocket launcher that can lock onto pesky Warhawks, oh and if you select the knife you become invisible on the radar. In the tank you can't lock onto anything but it’s naturally the most heavily armoured bit of kit out there, a bit slow and has heavy shells, the jeep is very fast can seat 3 guys including the machine gunner, turrets pack some serious power and are deadly against a Warhawk if you can get a lock on but you’ll want to keep a finger on the bail out button while you operate this squatting duck. Like I say perfectly balanced.

With this comes a real community feel during your play, if you have the headset attached you can team up with wingmen making you pretty unstoppable, and I have to mention a thank you to whoever at Sony had the idea of letting me use the bluetooth headset from my mobile on the PS3, owe you pint for that. One of the more touching experiences for me though is when I'm slowly plodding about the map clueless as to where all the cool vehicles are, when very often someone will drive up to me in a jeep and beep the horn signalling me to get in and join them by manning the turret, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I soon realise they are using me to cover their own rear end while they drive up to the enemy base, kill a couple of them quickly, pull a mooney then wiz off and leaving me to deal with the consequences, but still it’s the thought that counts.

Graphics are not entirely spectacular but they serve the purpose in letting you see for miles and giving you pretty fireworks when blowing stuff out of the sky. I should also mention the maps as they have done something a bit clever with them. Basically you only have around 4 or so, but they’re huge, however they become divided up in various random ways not often giving you all of what is available. Sounds like you’ve been short changed but I found the way it had been done did make them feel anew every time and mostly still very expansive.

To sum up this is a massive amount of fun, I found myself getting quite obsessed with it to the neglect of eating, sleeping and girlfriend. So if you’re single or would like to be, an insomniac, a bit of weight problem, enjoy giving and receiving humiliation and blowing shit up then this is for you.

Riff: Everyday Shooter (PS3)

2008-02-21T08:52:00.003Z

Lately I've been having a lot of tooth ache trouble which in turn has led to a few sleepless nights. The morning after one such night when I should have been all geared up to play another gaming epic I honestly didn’t have the energy. Instead of just going back to bed with a pint of vodka I decided to have a flick around the PSN store where I happened upon Everyday Shooter. Thankfully not being quite with it I didn’t really notice until later that I was going to paying £10 for a 38mb game, thankfully because it might have put me off and it ended being the most fun I've had with a tenner since that night in Camden.

Riff: Everyday Shooter to give it it's full title I imagine looks like what you'd see if you'd just drank 2 litres of paint thinner, dropped some acid and were 5. It’s a wonderfully colourful childlike kaleidoscope that produces a real visual treat, a feast not only reserved for the eyes but also for your ears too. The music that plays is incredibly toe tapping but the interesting aspect is that when you shoot something it's explosion produces a particular sound that fits in perfectly with rest of the music. When you discover how to blow up tons of these suckers at the same time you’re treated to a visual and auditory symphony.

Game play comes as a very traditional old school top down shooter that's been done many times before, hence the title. You move a little mostly white square (its 38mb what where expecting a battle cruiser) with the left stick leaving the right to control the shooting where you push in the direction you want to fire. One of the most important aspects to master here is chaining which involves blowing up one thing that can then blow up many others in a huge domino effect. The method for this you have learn all over again for each level keeping the game play very fresh and helps the levels become very challenging with a good learning curve and a great deal of satisfaction.

With the shooting though I have a little problem, my only problem with the game and you might conclude that I’m a bit of a moon on a stick kind of guy for knit picking a near perfect little title but why is it when your told you push the right analogue stick in the direction you want to shoot it only let's you shoot in 8 directions. WHY???? It drove me flipping bonkers to begin with, I thought there must be something wrong with my pad. I honestly kept checking the light on the back and moving it closer to the PS3 in case of interference. Nope that’s just how it is so why such an odd oversight in a game which is so perfect every other way?

Thankfully a story is non existent as it is really not necessary and would only stuff up the whole concept anyway, what not good enough for a tenner and 38mb, ok try this, you play young sqwiffy a white box thing boy and have to protect your home from an invasion by the gummy bear men who want to steal all your wiggle dust so they can bake a cake for Walter king gummy penguin the 56st's billionth birthday. There you are what more do you want.

So there you have it a shear delight sublime little game now with an optional back story and still the most fun you can have with £10, £20 hell £40 without visiting Camden.

Silent Hill: Origins (PSP)

2008-02-20T19:15:00.004Z

After playing Silent Hill Origins I found it difficult to sum up exactly how much of a waste of time my time it had been, 90%, 95%, 100%? It seems to me that Climax missed the point in such a spectacular way it ends up feeling like they knocked up something in Japanese survival horror maker 4.1 then dropped in the entire library of Silent Hill elements that Konami sent them, hit compile and shot off down the pub. Of course I’m not really sure what I was expecting from a company whose greatest hits to date include the PC port of Viva Piñata and Sim Coaster. I bet they where wetting their pants at the idea of getting their mucky paws a Silent Hill game and finally be taken as a serious game developer, sadly though it’s not worked for me.

As a Silent Hill game it's all there, rusted wheel chair, trail of blood, fog, evil child (maybe), bloke with troubled past, pyramid head guy, sexy nurse. Then they have of course added there own elements and changed parts to make them their own with varying degrees of apathy and or ignorance. For example child seems evil only due to looking grumpy and saying sod all, pyramid head turns up kills a nurse that's it, the last you see of the bastard it's the SAME sequence as in Silent Hill 2 for fucks sake. Then there is of course a fleshy lump monster and the only other evil nasties in the game that they didn't just import from the Konami Silent Hill library are all more fleshy lumps in various shapes and sizes, Christ how much sodding lazier can you get? I'll tell you how much shall I. Other brilliant innovations are ripped off from other games and never build upon whist at the same time adding bugger all worth to the experience, such as melee weapon damage. You have a rag and bone mans wet dream of random crap you can pick up and beat evil do-ers to death with, great but a complete waste of time for one because they break after a few wallops and two most of the time you can just run past them, those that do really get in way are very few and you'll have plenty of ammo for them anyway. Ah yes the guns, in a game where your mostly supposed to be frightened for life why the tossing hell do you get an assault rifle and a pistol you put a bullet though a fiat uni with? Other genius additions include being able you switch between evil and not so evil world whenever you feel like it. Tell me please what is the point of having a scary nasty evil world where you can get out of it whenever you feel like it, sort of takes the edge of don't you think? What else? It's far too short, maybe a blessing, there is an achievement for finishing it in 2 hours, puzzles seem to consist of IQ tests for special children, oh and the highlight for me come when running down random corridor the camera flips to another angle, fine yet for some reason without moving the analogue stick I end up running in a different direction, usually the way I came. Oh how I chuckled to myself slapping my thigh every time that happened.

Honestly when I began to write this I really didn’t think I’d give the game such a berating, whist playing it didn’t really seem that bad. I think the problem comes when you try and remember back to Silent Hill 2, placed up there, at the pinnacle of the series, origins really does feel very very lacking. It’s not really terrible, well ok pretty close, but it is one of the best looking games on the PSP and sure it’s unimaginative and the story is a pile of balls among other failings but it was sort of a nice stroll down a road your still nostalgic for. A gentle walk that is then only enhanced by being as easy as abseiling down a log as you get into the rhythm of trying 100s of doors that don't open and running past things that have no chance of getting bite of Jimmy sandwich. The walkthrough of this title is then improved by the level design by numbers approach that gives you keys to doors your about to walk up to, a puffer jacket that can hold a small Dixon’s inventory and puzzles you can solve with your dog.

To sum up I kind of enjoyed playing it, until near the end where it tries way too hard to be a Silent Hill game and ends up looking silly. I guess it’s worth you giving it a go, just make sure you’ve never played Silent Hill 2, wait until you’re a bit hung over and don’t let this stop you playing another Silent Hill game, it does get much than this I promise.

Something for the Weekend: 15th Feb

2008-02-15T12:56:00.008Z

Mostly made up of a torrent toss for the WII and they wonder why the attachment rate is so low. May as well get used to it as I don't see this changing for a while.


Battalion Wars 2, WII - Apparently a spin off from Advance Wars on the DS. Lot's of fluffy looking characters blowing the crap out of each other.
Betty Boop's Double Shift, DS - Help this 20s hooker run a dinner, wooooooo peeeeey dooooooo ba ba be da do.
City Life 2008 Edition, PC - Got a god complex and more spare time then a lifer in maximum security, then this is for you
Cooking Mama 2: Dinner With Friends, DS –Sounds so nice, dinner with friends ah, it's just so, ahh, nice
Cruis'n, WII - sup yeah boy, gettin in da wit da low ride aight, I know any whiter and I’d be transparent
Dark Messiah of Might and Magic: Elements, 360 – Tolkien homages seem to be the theme of the day here using valves secrete source to make the magic happen
Democracy, PC - Democracy the video game, pander to the people keeping everyone happy, well shaft me with a pineapple if that doesn't sound like a lump of crazy fun.
Disney Princess: Enchanted Journey, WII - Buy for your kids, Play by yourself to perv over Ariel, Hey Ariel mind if I explore your underwater kingdom, I bet you wouldn't you piece of scaly hotness you, rarrrrrr.
Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 3, WII - Does not matter what I say, if your a fan you’ll buy it regardless of what I say, if your not you'll avoid it like clap on a donkey.
Dragoneer's Aria, PSP - Grind-tastic RPG, with oooohh wait for it....dragons
Game Party,  WII – Game……Party, see this, yes you who bought Mario Party and - Warioware this is ALL your fault, don't give that, "but the wii doesn't have any games", I..I just can't look at you any more (sniff)
Miami Nights: Singles in the City, DS - Pretend to be young single and living in the City, not really much of an escape from the daily grind of life is it really.
Penumbra: Black Plague, PC - Horror!! Oh the Horror, it's nasty I'm told
Powershot Pinball Constructor, DS - Well umm, kind of does exactly what it says on the tin
Ratatouille: Food Frenzy, DS - Cooking mini games, bet that took THQ two minutes to knock up, about as long to play and you still go home hungry.
The Destiny of Zorro, WII - The marketing dept seems to have employed the same tactic as the last few Nicolas Cage movies, tell no one about it then they can't find out it's rubbish, but you can bet your ass you'll be waving that wii mote about like a crazy fool slashing through endless baddies, so at least you'll get some RSI for your trouble.


List lovingly ripped off from Gamespot.com

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune (PS3)

2008-02-13T09:41:00.002Z

Ah avast me har..nope sorry wrong movie, this is Indiana Jones territory, don't be fooled by the opening scene with all the pirates you’ve got a first class ticket to jungle town and no mistake. Oh and what fun your going to have, treasure, curses, a false sense of learning history and guns, lot’s and lot’s of guns.

Anyway there are more important things to a game then loads of guns, jungle and ripping off your favourite treasure hunter. To start with this game just looks soooooo god dam pretty, really I'd say the best looking thing on my PS3 aside from all those porn movies holiday photos I have on it. Honestly for the first 2 hours I played this I found myself stopping every 5 minutes then just looking around at the scenery going eeeeeeewww purttey; from the glistening water on the rocks to the picture perfect postcard sunsets it’s all so beautiful, but this is not just stuck to the static backgrounds this detail follows through the whole game, for example when drake walks through long plants they fall out of his way, when he's been for a swim all this clothes get wet and dry out slowly and as you swim or walk through water it ripples and swashes around you.

As far as game play is concerned Drakes Fortune is no Metal Gear there are really only a few basic building blocks here, you run jump, swing jump, jump jump, scrabble across walls and jump and pump near Jack Bauer levels of bullets into your fellow man. This could easily have ended up being really dull if it weren’t for every one of these elements being polished to perfection. It's as if during the testing phase Naughty Dog hired Gordon Ramsay to play though, then every time he said f this or that they'd tweak and polish a little more, then a little more again, until he was lying on his back purring away with sear joy scoffing naughty doggy treats from their very hands. Drakes fortune manages to filter out almost all of the irritation you’ve ever found in a game by you never ever having to worry about saving, it just saves all the time at very frequent checkpoints, if you die after a bit of dialog you don't hear it again even if the check point is just before the chatty bit, the controls are tight and fluid and I never found myself wondering why I had died or how the hell they had managed to shoot me from there, the game always seemed to be playing fair.

If I have to criticise this design philosophy (and I do) it's because it makes the game bit too easy, not in everyway the hiding and gunning can be a bit of a challenge at times but if I repeated a section it was only usually once or twice and at most 4-5 times for the last few bits, the puzzles are well not even really puzzles as I got them all the first go and did not need to curse the heavens in the process, then when your stood in a room not sure of where to go it flashes up a little hint for you. Now you don't have to take it (you have to press L2 to see it) but I don't know in these days of shared information on the interweb when you get stuck on a game you don't need these in game hints you can just look it up, you'll still feel although you've cheated yourself either way but at least the old way your more likely to figure it out for yourself and gain a lot more satisfaction from doing so. Sure now this kind of design means you much less likely to plant your pad through to the other side of your TV but really I'm not dim a bit more of challenge would have been nice and I'd have felt a much greater sense of achievement in the end. Remember the puzzles in games like Silent Hill and early Resident Evils where you actually needed a pen and paper, to figure most of them out, how good did you feel once you'd solved them?

As for the story it’s more than intriguing enough to suck you into the world with the right amount of humour and twists to keep you enthralled and connected to the characters to the point where you will actually like them as people, unlike most of the twats you have to play as in some other games, naming no names (Assassins Creed). Although you don't really get too much from the dozy bint that follows you round like a lost puppy, then again you are shown a pretty convincing friendship between you and your grizzled buddy.

In short, it’s truly an excellent game. I’ll play it again, I'll still find it funny, I'll never get tired of its gun play and I will be haunted by that image of Gordon Ramsay for the rest of my days.

Something for the Weekend: 8th Feb

2008-02-07T14:46:00.000Z

Righto first time I've done this so bear with me. I hope to list, every Friday, every game that is out that week in the UK so you may peruse them at your leisure before deciding what to waste another weekend of life playing. To help you in this quest I will also attach a pithy one liner summing it up what it's all about.


Art of Fighting Anthology, PS2 - 2nd rate Street Fighter
Conflict: Denied Ops Shops, X360 - You're a 20 something sassy girl about town but all the shoe shops are closed. You must find a way of making your feet look pretty without resorting to mail order or wearing shoes you already own
Conflict: Denied Ops Flip Flops, PS3 - You're on holiday but some pikie Spanish brat has stolen your flip flops while you where having a swim. You must find a way of getting back to your hotel room without stepping on any bottles of San Miguel or half eaten tacos
Conflict: Denied Ops Coco Pops, PC - You throw an eppie because you have toast for breakfast
Devil May Cry 4, X360 - Teacakes because he never gets any
Devil May Cry 4, PS3 - Teacakes but you'll cry for a faster install
Final Fantasy Anniversary Edition, PSP - Fresh new game for those not old enough to drive yet
Final Fantasy II Anniversary Edition, PSP - Fresh new game to keep you busy until you figure out why you should talk to the opposite sex
Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends: Imagination Invaders, PS2 - Promise I did not make up that game title
Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games, DS - Looks about as much fun as tits on an alligator, will no doubt sell a billion copies by the time I've written this so what do I know.
Mercenaries 2: World in Flames, PC - Playground for pyromaniacs
Mercenaries 2: World in Flames, X360 - Sony offices in flames if I see another release for the 360 and not the PS3
Neves, DS - A game that attempts to give you peace, harmony and warm fuzzy feelings, sounds about as likely as a Bar Mitzvah in Palestine.
NFL Tour, PS3 - All sports games that don't involve driving cars are for girls
Nitrobike, WII - Apart from those which involve bikes which are for hairy people who listen to Meatloaf and Motorhead too much, and are big wussy girls
PDC World Championship Darts 2008, WII - Gaffer tape WiiMote to hand to save TV
Pic Pic, DS - Looks like another infuriating DS Puzzle game, in a pink box
Pop, WII - Goes your brain cell
Professor Kageyama's Maths Training, DS - DOES NOT MAKE YOU CLEVER
Showtime Championship Boxing, WII - Wii sports boxing with less control making you look very silly to all your neighbours secretly watching you though your window
Speedball 2 - Tournament, PC - Compete in taking cocktails of heroine and cocaine
The Club, PS3 - Imagine Running Man but more cartooney and fun...
The Club, X360 - ...like a serial killers playground
The Command & Conquer, PC - 13 C&C Games = BARGAIN
Turok, X360 - Dinosaurs and space marines, nope did not see that coming
Turok, PS3 - Just seen this in game in a little shiney box, so I guess it's out too
 Turok,

List liberated from Gamespot.com

Alone in the Dark Preview

2008-02-07T11:03:00.000Z

Hey did any one else see this Alone in the Dark preview the other day from G4? No, blimey I have to tell you everything. Well go take a look above because it has one of my most anticipated features for a video game. When you check your inventory you actually open up your coat ala flasher/pub rolex watch sales man, look down and rifle through your stuff. A piece of realism I think that might actually help the gaming experience and also enhance the sense of panic and fear as evil nasties can still chew on your arse while you look for something to garrotte them with.

G4

PSP Explodes in Schoolboy's Pants

2008-02-07T09:23:00.000Z

This is almost too easy, school boy, pants, explosion, playing psp in his pocket maybe playing with something else caused the explosion, te he he. Right sorry yes serious story. A Schoolboys pants exploded......HA. Ok ok long and short of it is seems only 3rd party batteries are responsible for this sort of thing, best read the rest here.

Pspfanboy.com

Zero Punctuation: Call of Duty 4

2008-02-06T17:25:00.000Z

Yahtzee does what he's told and brings you a review of COD4 although I think he was funnier and more inspired when he was not being told what to do. Much like myself only I honestly don't get funnier than this and I should probably swap inspired with WILL TO LIVE.....Note: Must find new job.

PS3 Getting Budget Titles

2008-02-06T11:04:00.000Z

So how long should it be before you start seeing those greatest hits, well if your the Spice Girls after just 2 albums. Now if the Spice Girls can do it that soon why not the PS3? So they have, according to IGN those budget titles are set for Japan so expect to see them here soon. No dought those bastard retailers over here will charge way over the RRP for these too, you know what I mean, £50 for a new game when the RRP is £40 thank you muchly Mr Game Stores sir.

IGN

Triachnid (Flash)

2008-02-05T09:05:00.000Z

While attempting to not fall into a coma at work the other day I tried playing a new flash game I had heard about, Triachnid. I think it was nominated for an award or something and having no opinion of my own and believing everything other people tell me I thought it must be great and I should try it. First off it looks way creepy, I don't think it's even that it looks spider like, it's just kind of fuzzy, boney and baby like at the same time like an anarecsic bear. Anyway it gives me the creeps which is not a good start, then how do you control this thing, you're supposed to move it's paws individually, how much fun do you think it would be to drink 12 pints of lemon hootch then have to pick up your own feet and drop them down to move across the floor, imagine that with one extra foot, it's that much fun. The little fun I had with this was flinging spider-bear-baby from tops of cliffs and watching it fall, sadly it would not die, later I discovered that if you stretch it fully it flashes red as if in pain, this was slightly more fun.

All in all I don't get it so either I'm inept at games or it's rubbish but since it's been nominated for an award and I don't think the award was for most irritating game with a baby-spider-bear in it, it must be the former. I'm rubbish I admit it and this is better than 10 halo's puréed and intravenously shunted through my brain stem! 

Zero Punctuation: Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles

2008-01-30T17:48:00.000Z

For me the highpoint of the Resident Evil series was probably around number 2, by that time the plot had only repeated it's self once and it did manage to create a pretty genuine shit your pants atmosphere, and that super shot gun now that was bang. What I'm trying to say is don't buy this balls go and by a ps1 with that 20p that's been hanging around your trouser pocket, the story will be less cocked around with for one also after playing the Wii the graphics won't bother you, need another reason, it's a hide behind the sofa run to your mamma crying classic! 

GT5 Prologue Dated for the Colonies

2008-01-30T14:02:00.000Z

Yep those Americans will be getting there's on April the 17th, so say CVG, and as usual us Brits will just have to hold our whining and sit tight for our own date. Now posting such news on a UK Gaming site might seem a bit pointless but I was so dum struck by the screen shots and other details about the game I could not help myself.

Turns out you'll be able to download this half game demo thing directly from the PSN Store or buy it on blue ray disk and get a making of feature too. What really made me speechless, ok almost, is the level of detail on the interiors of this game, you see the stitching on his gloves for christs sake! and the dials and knobs are very much reach out and touch.  Still the level of realism wont really be enough for me until I can buy fury dice off the PSN Store and hang them of the rear view mirror.....and smelly pine tree..........and put a twix in cup holder. 

CVG

Nintendo's Snake Oil Knows No Bounds

2008-01-29T16:27:00.000Z

It seems the UK's plumper section of the population just keeps growing as well as getting younger and younger. So what's the answer, video games says the UK Government. Apparently they have been conducting a trail in a few select schools and those pupils who like dodging gym lessons and scoffing monster munch have been given the opportunity to workout with the Wii. The results of this trail suggest that, "Pupils became fitter with regular use of the consoles". Note that the pupils who consistently missed games lessons were fitter after playing the Wii for a bit. Somehow I'm not too surprised that kids who normally sit on their behinds all day get a bit fitter after waggling their arms around a bit on a regular basis, I'm still not convinced this is the answer to childhood obesity though. 

A Komani Dance mat now that might do the trick, see this can you imagine how many calories this guy is burning up! It's either that or a small cage, human size hamster wheel in one corner and small hole to crawl out of when your thin enough in the other. Applicants to this Maa Gamer weight loss program can contact us at maagamer@gmail.com package costs all your life savings and a bag of monster munch, mmm Jimmy likes monster munch.

Gamepolitics.com

Another Heavy Blow Landed by Blueray

2008-01-28T15:12:00.000Z

Aggghhh when will we have conclusion to this, I swear this war feels more drawn out then the Need for Speed series, and just as pointless. Here though the end is nigh for HD-DVD as Woolworths announces it is going to stop stocking the format in all of it's stores in favour of Blueray, owww that's gonna smart in the morning.

Gameindustry.biz

Fox News Talking BS: Update

2008-01-28T14:23:00.000Z

Damit, I'd just about built up some healthy loathing and revulsion for EA and X-Play, first for pumping out endless tired bland franchises and the latter for their continual admiration of such tripe. But as before where I had to concede some respect to EA for standing up in the face of Fox News again I must lay down some more for X-Play and Adama Sessler's responce to the situation, via Kotaku, here

Since then Fox's shrink has admitted not actually playing the game and in some way retracted her comments saying, "Before the show I had asked somebody about what they had heard, and they had said it’s like pornography," she added. "But it’s not like pornography. I’ve seen episodes of ‘Lost’ that are more sexually explicit." See you can't be too hard on her, she's a busy girl trying to sell a book and all, how's she supposed to have to time to check things she's about to say on TV.

Kotaku
NY Times

Devil May Cry 4 Demo & How I got an American PSN Account

2008-01-28T09:36:00.000Z

There I am Thursday night, skipping home from work with a pocket full of dreams and an itchy gaming thumb. These dreams of course were all about trying out the new DMC4 demo.  Imagine my disappointment then when I turn on my PS3 and see there is no demo to be had. Yes Sony has farted in my general direction again at the same time as kissing the arse of Japan and American. Fury in sued followed by ingenuity, see I had heard from a colleague that us limies can get an American PSN account with out too much bother and enjoy the sweet juicy goodness contained within. That is exactly what I did and here is how I did it,

- First off, find an address somewhere in America, I being super clever just did a search for hair dressers in New York with google maps.
- Next slide over to users on your PS3 at the far left, hit triangle and logout, then create a new user.
- Once created and you have logged in, slide right over to the Playstation Network and you will find a new icon, like the one when you first bought the PS3 letting you create a PSN account.
- Hit this and follow though the pages filling in your various details, not forgetting your new American address.
- Once you've finished, if you now go to the PSN Store you'll see loads of funny symbols next to all the prices that look like this $, this means your in the American Store, Hurrah!

Once your in you'll find the DMC4 demo, if you can't wait till Thursday for it, along with a Black Site Area 51 and Turok demos. I still don't see why we have to wait for this stuff when those American's can get it, I'm guessing it's all the translation from American to English they need to do inside these demos, color to colour, sidewalk to pavement, sweater to jumper, could take ages.

The Demo for DMC4 is kind of interesting but then a little underwhelming as well, not sure what I was expecting to be honest, it's kind of more DMC with much flashier graphics. Well not so true really, you have a few more new moves, the devil arm for pulling baddies over and throwing them around is a lot of fun, you can also use it to propel yourself over certain designated ledges. The graphics do look really really amazing though, great detail and distance can be seen, such detail is also true of the monsters you pick a fight with. Nero is not present in the demo, guess you'll just have to wait until the game's released, ho hum.

So don't waste any more time listening to me prattle on about it, you know how to get it now, off you go chop chop.

Fox News Talking BS

2008-01-25T10:58:00.000Z

This will probably not come as much of a surprise to any of you who have ever watched Fox News but it's not usually the most balanced sort of journalism. Well they have been running their mouths off again and jumping on that quite full by now "Games are worse for your kids than cocaine sherbet dip dab" bandwagon.

Seems that one of their hack journoes found out that there is partial nudity in Mass Effect then kind of blew the whole thing out of all proportions explaining that the game "allows the characters to engage in explicitly graphic sexual intercourse" and that the game is also "distorted lesson about human sexuality and human dignity" dam this sounds great terrible and morally wrong. Point is it's not true you get to see about half an arse cheek at best. I'll let EA VP of Communications explain . Read that? Good.

Funniest part is the backlash from the internet community against the shows shrink, via her new books page on amazon. Amongst other comments left they decided to described her book as full of, "full on sex and nudity, explicitly describes sexual situations, and is the posterchild of what is wrong with books today. Of course I never read a single page of this book, but that shouldn't matter" Brilliant!

If you fancy watching Fox's tossy cock report check it out here.

Gameinformer.com
Wired.com
YouTube

MGS4 Demo Update: Never Gonna Get It

2008-01-25T09:50:00.000Z

Never gonna get it, neeeeeever gooo...ok you get the point. Seems that my early report was a BEAR FACED LIE!! Not that I knew at the time some bigger boys told me, CVG in this case but it turns out their source was telling porkie pies because now word comes from the developers themselves basically saying that they are far to busy finishing the game to worry about teasing you with a demo. You'll just have to wait for the full finished article. Not that I would have played the demo anyway, don't misunderstand I am REALLY looking forward to this game and I don't want my experience spoiled by any dam dirty demo's or internet videos showing me what all the bosses look like, grrr.

PSX

GTA4 Details (Updated)

2008-01-24T11:15:00.000Z

Sat on the train this morning glancing through the lists of latest news I found my self thinking two things, "BOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRING" and "Dam I wish I could shoot that guy with the loud headphones in the knee cap". Well someone upstairs must have been listening because I've been sent some interesting news! QI.net have a list of some previously unrevealed features that will be part of GTA4, list below with little smiley faces next to my favourites,

 Police database: Stealing a police car gives you access to their station database, which marks your queries as waypoints on the map. More expensive cars also come with talking GPS. :) 

 Free-aiming mode: GTA4 now allows you to shoot any where around your car, not just from the sides. :)

B-button camera function: Allows the camera to stay focused on your target.

Friendship rating: That cellphone's for more than just taking missions now. It can be used to call your local buddies to build up relationships - think a reverse of getting wanted stars.

New ways to get caught: Forget to a pay a toll at the bridge, and you'll earn a wanted level. :(

Enhanced drunk physics: Forget simple screen distortions or wonky controls. Getting Niko hammered will have him interacting appropriately with the surrounding environment (leaning on cars, running into people, etc.) :)

Rocket Physics: Firing rockets into the ground at oblique angles will cause it to skip like a stone in water, not explode.

Combat: You can now duck behind objects. You can also either blind-fire (RSV-style), or pop up and shoot for better accuracy

Enhanced targeting: After getting a soft-lock, players can now aim for more specific parts on their target's body. You query will also react realistically depending on where you cap him/her. :)

Hanging on: You can now hang on to moving vehicles, and board them via rapid button presses.

Hanging on (2): Rockstar's demo also showed that drivers can attempt shake you off.

My last wish was of course only partial granted in that I can pretend people from my tube journey are in the game which now allows me to knee cap them instead. People with noisy ear phones better hope this game gets released pretty sooooon.

QI.net

 Update: In further developments GTA4 has a confirmed release date of April 29, that's 29/04/2008 for those who have date systems that make sense, 04/29/2008 some of our colonies can be so silly sometimes.

Gameinformer.com

Zero Punctuation: The Witcher

2008-01-23T17:37:00.000Z

After watching this review I suddenly felt a huge wave of confusion, especially at the little voice over video bit at the end, which while was funny (puffer fish HA) I had no sodding idea what was going on. I think I have a vague memory of watching another review of The Witcher but that must have also been so dam confusing I wiped it from my memory. Right off to the website then, www.thewitcher.com, ok where in Hades do I click now, flash site, right fine, ok, nothing happening........., ok, fuck me this takes probably as long to load as the games takes to install, CHRIST. Ok come on, have made cup of tea now, fellatioed a smurf, read lot's of carefully selected quotes about the game, a ha, right loaded, k there is a guy sitting on the floor, this makes him look cool somehow?? Where the focking hell to click to get a synopsis, umm see a tiny scrolling room, is this what ate my sodding broadband limit, you must be kidding me, there we are hidden button telling me what this is about, fuck me that has to load up too, mamamaaaaaa. Overview ok....world with no mercy, right, gives you choices, okey, fate of the world, challenge, right f this I'm sure I've got better things to do until the sun explodes.

Really if this how hard it is to get an idea of what this game is about no wonder Yahtzee can beat his goat to death with the manual, seems a large waste of time and pointless, much like reviewing a review or a website I suppose, damit!

Alan Wake not for XP

2008-01-23T08:49:00.001Z

There are a few hard established facts of life, Tim Burton will always cast Johnny Depp, Britney Spears will never win a parent of the year award and if you try and hold out from buying the latest Microsoft OS they will come round your house sneak into your wardrobe then just when you lean over to plug your iPod into the back of your computer, jump out and shaft you up the arse!

Well metaphorically at least. Proof here. Yep  if you want to play Alan Wake but don't want to upgrade to Vista well your outa luck, and I wouldn't go dropping that soap either.

Kotaku

Assassins Creed (PS3)

2008-01-22T11:15:00.000Z

Please note this review does not give away spoilers but does contain frequent and mild sarcasm from beginning and throughout.

I've seen a few reviews for Assassins Creed by now, no doubt you have too, some hate it some love it. What I hated about some of the reviews is them spoiling the bloody game for me, well sooo be it now I'm going to spoil it for all of YOU, so this is exactly what happens from beginning to the gory end. Stabbey stabbey jump jump, chatty stabby stabby jump jump, staaaaaaaaaaaabey, jumpy jumpy chatty jumpy jump jump. Repeat for about 9 levels and you've pretty much there, oh yes there is a bit of horse riding too. Yep Assassins Creed really does not have a lot going on in terms of massive mission variaty or a deep and complex story line. Ok so if you've played it you might think the story is all Tolstoy but it ain't and your kidding yourself, just because you don't understand what is going on, does not mean it's a deep and complicated plot, it's waffley balls.

In fact there is more waffle than a waffle sandwich with extra waffle filling and a sprinkle of waffle dust on top. These guys just DO not shut up and say sod all the entire time of any bleeding use. For example your wise and all knowing mentor does not trust you to understand why you are killing all these guys, just to say, in around 7 conversations and 2 hours of ear bleeding dialogue "it's for the good of the people", k fine, then everyone of these mo fo's you kill tells you they are not really bad for maiming, killing and stealing from the civies because they and their pals doing it for a greater good, right k fine, so you ask your Mr Miyagi "What's up with that?" and I kid you not, he tells you, "Well they are all bad dudes that are part of a big bad dude organisation" and you go "ah I see k no probs". Crikey Charles and Diana's marriage was more convincing than this clap trap.

Then there are the people on the streets, with around less than 20 pieces of dialogue between them, a sodding preacher on every street corner, a beggar down most alleyways and the most hilarious of all the retards who push you into the nearest officer before you can say, "Your nicked sonny Jim". Sadly my only relief from these constant prattlers and other irritating degenerates was to murder them horribly and without remorse, which I admit was a lot of fun especially as it was so easy to do. Now here come the good bits about Assassins Creed, the actual control that you have of Altair is really REALLY sublime. It's so smooth and intuitive, granted it will take you a little while to get accustomed to his movements but when you do he is a shear joy to throw from building to building, knifing innocent bystanders and retards then slipping away into the crowd with the greatest of ease and satisfaction. Of course I should mention that the game does frown on you randomly knifing morons and those "special" people that get in your way by making you desynchronise a little bit every time you do it. This is kind of your life system, if you desynchronise all the way to unsyncronisasys then game over, and you start back again a few minutes away from when you last desycroniasyssysyaasieeesed no biggie, but that hardly ever happens as you seem to resynchronise back up to full syncroniassyasysaysyayis in a couple of minutes anyway so getting to a state of unsyncro...DEATH is kinda easy to avoid really. Therefore I can only assume the game designers hate all the civilians as much as I do and want you to knife them in the arse at you soon as you get the chance, fine by me.

There may be some large annoying niggles to this chatty hunter but all in all I really like this game. The game play might be repetitive but it's great, climbing buildings, jumping from roof top to roof top and stalking your pray is a massive amount of fun. This is even one of the very few games where I've been given tons of extra side missions and I actually want to do them all, oh yeah apart from the collection of flags, there are about 500 of the dam things, nice try ubisoft but you'll have to get some other lackie to play fetch with those for you. Oh and the cities, the cities you climb around are so god dam gorgeous at times it felt as though I was crawling over the face of the Mona Lisa, it's all soooo pretty and detailed. 

So in conclusion it does have it's faults but for the first game of a new IP with this much ambition it was never going to be perfect, what you should really take away from this review is the parts it gets right it gets spot on and although repetitive it's a hell of a lot of stabby jumpy fun.

Metal Gear Solid 4 Demo in Feb

2008-01-21T17:32:00.000Z

MGS4 might very well end up being the most exciting thing to happen to me since discovering Wombles are real. Now Word coming from CVG says that the demo will hit the PSN in Feb, Yikes!!! Also sources around Wimbledom Common tell me it will be coming to the 360, but I would not believe every womble you meet.

China Cracks Down on Gamers

2008-01-21T15:45:00.000Z

Those crazy commies what will they get their knickers in a twist over next. It seems a while ago that the power that be got peeved off with how much time the kids where playing games for, seen as this time could be better used for growing rice and such for the people they have (amongst other methods) pined down the amount of time you could play on an MMO RPG for by forcing time restrictions on the servers and also “helping” those with an “addiction” by placing them in rehab. In recent developments described here they seem to have had some success in this battle by closing down 563 illegal internet cafes in the city of Shenzhen. Most are described as being on the top floor of an otherwise empty building, blimey sounds pretty crack den to me.

Now curbing freedom of the press is one thing but to me it seems like it’ll be a little more difficult to stop people playing video games, proving an addiction even harder so. Although I can happily sit in front of the warm glow of my PS3 for hours maybe days on end I’ve yet to get the shakes, moods swings, cold sweats or anxiety from not playing video games for a while, these symptoms do seem to be most acute when I'm actually playing video games though, mmm must be addicted to real life, will have stay away from that for a while.

Reuters

Devil May Cry 4, Is Reviewed

2008-01-18T16:45:00.000Z

I'm scarred, I'm scarred because here will be another game that I will buy, spend about 5mins playing before I question my PS3's parentage and sexual activity in loud squeaky voice. I know this will happen mainly because of this line in the review, "the game is kick-in-the-balls tough", yep really looking forward to this. I also KNOW this will happen because exactly the same thing happened to me with DMC3, think I got the bit just after the 3 headed dog (The FIRST boss), then lost my save....Have not played it since. But I know I'll buy it again because I love DMC, 1 was breath of fresh minty air not seen again until God of War came out, 2 was large poo baguette but then 3 while very difficult I did enjoy, once I'd calmed down. Oh but then there is a small glimmer of hope for me, "DMC4 is easier than the third instalment" Thank GOD!

Note: Previous incidents mentioned above have honestly almost got me kicked out halls in uni, DOA2, nuff said.

CVG

Zero Punctuation: Crysis

2008-01-16T17:27:00.000Z

If you have fetish for fast talking flash vids with yellow backgrounds then, GET IT HERE, as they say down the docks in Swansea. Unfortunately I've not played Crysis since my PC is slower than the chip inside the PS3 used to eject the disks/Wii and I had to eat rice and old toe nail clippings for a year just to be able to afford said PS3. Still I'm sure it's bloody fandabydozy for those that can, humph!

Sales Week Ending 12 January 2008

2008-01-16T09:27:00.000Z

"OK children settle down, right now what have we learned about the British public from these sales figures, mmm, yes you wearing a tea cosy on your head"

"Sir, we can see that the British public is way super clever cos they buy loads of Brain Training for ever and ever now"

"Stupid boy, NO, just because they continue to buy Brain Training like Fonzie buys brylcreem and durex does not mean it makes them clever. And how do we know that their IQ is still down the toilet.....yes you"

"Cos they continue to buy Fifa '08 and Need for Speed Sir"

"Well done boy top marks"


TOP 40 ENTERTAINMENT SOFTWARE (ALL PRICES), WEEK ENDING 12 January 2008

Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, Infinity Ward, Activision Activision
Fifa 08, EA Canada, EA Sports, Electronic Arts
Assassin's Creed, Ubisoft (Montreal), Ubisoft, Ubisoft
The Simpsons Game, Amaze Entertainment, Ea Games, Electronic Arts
Guitar Hero III: Legends Of Rock, Budcat Creations, Redoctane, Activision
Pro Evolution Soccer 2008, Konami Digital Entertainment, Konami, Konami
Need For Speed: Prostreet, Ea Canada, Ea Games, Electronic Arts
Dr Kawashima's Brain Training, Nintendo, Nintendo, Nintendo
More Brain Training From Dr Kawashima, Nintendo, Nintendo, Nintendo
The Golden Compass, A2m, Sega, Sega
Tiger Woods Pga Tour 08, Ea Salt Lake, Ea Sports, Electronic Arts
Cooking Mama, Office Create, 505 Games, 505 Games
Wwe Smackdown Vs Raw 2008, Yuke's, Thq, Thq
Big Brain Academy: Wii Degree, Nintendo, Nintendo, Nintendo
Super Mario Galaxy, Nintendo , Nintendo, Nintendo
New Super Mario Bros., Nintendo, Nintendo, Nintendo
Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga, Traveller's Tales, Lucasarts, Lucasarts
Football Manager 2008, Sports Interactive, Sega, Sega
The Sims 2: Castaway, Maxis, Ea Games, Electronic Arts
Kane & Lynch: Dead Men, Io Interactive, Eidos, Eidos

Chart Track

HD-DVD out for the Count?

2008-01-15T17:08:00.000Z

I promised myself, I said Jimmy don't write about the Hi-Def battle, it's boring, nothing ever changes in the putrid stalemate we have. Well in case you have not heard something did change, in like a totally major way (apolagies for dude language).

Three Speech has nice little write up about the events of the past week. To summarise if you can't be arsed to read it for yourself, Warner Bros will only release their stuff on BlueRay which then gives 70% of the Hi-Def market over to BlueRay, ouch! After that news, I hear that Toshiba, the main backer of HD-DVD, cut the price of their players by 50%, sounds a bit desperate don't ya think.

I hope BlueRay finish them off, you tried saying HD-DVD after a few beers, HDDDD, HDVDVD, HDUD, HDUVUD, just not going to happen.

Bioshock (360)

2008-01-15T09:02:00.000Z

If there's a type of game that really pushes all my wrong buttons, its those games that are defined by the gaming industry, ergo the gaming media upon whose wisdom we rely on: the system sellers. You know; assassin's creed, mass effect, of course i pause to think of a ps3 system seller, because currently the ps3 does not have one, and hell may freeze over before that happens! But really regardless of the system, whether your a sony, micro-bollocks or a nintendo fan-boy, the truth is system sellers themselves are largely a con, designed to indoctrinate us into buying generally over-hyped, incomplete or rushed products that unless you are a retard, you know always leave you feeling incomplete, and more importantly, fucked off to high heaven!

Bioshock is just such a game, hailed as an action/r.p.g. hybrid in its early description, was clearly taking the piss in this regard and i can't say i noticed any elements that you would classify as r.p.g. Unless of course you count vainly buidling up powers in the vain twatting hope it will make the game have any kind of depth beyond a superficial f.p.s. Which is what Bioshock is people! Ok, you go onto virtually any review website, and next to bioshock you will see perfect scores, i mean if there's a 10 in their scoring system, it'll get it: and if there's a feature on games of the year/century/millennium, don't bother to look, bioshock annilhilates all competition, sorry to spoil it for fans of countdown articles!

Bioshock, if you want to know what its about, get the box and read the back cover you lazy bastard, make you own mind up, you dont need the entire plot regurgitated by ign or gamespot. They only give away the plot to show off the fact they've played the game before you, fuck them. Sadly we have a game whose emphasis on atmosphere is negated by structure of the f.p.s. genre, i mean how are you supposed to settle into a game with an atmosphere more suited to a resident evil search and explore pace, rather than an art-deco version of halo. The splicer freako's re-spawn at ridiculous rate, making 'i-don't-know' the ACTUAL act of killing the twats completely redundant. It would'nt matter so much if the weapon upgrade and reloading system wasn't such a sadistic little shite: often i found myself scrambling to find enough ammo for even 3 shots, so fucking stingy is the reward for killing these bastards. Let's not forget the bits of material you pick up in order to create different types of ammo, or medkits and other incidental supplies that the game taunts you into needing, like waving a bottle of whisky under an alcoholic's nose!

Then, i musn't forget the fact that even though by injecting adam into your blood-stream, and becoming a genetically enhanced super-human, it still takes a small life-time for the protagonist to RELOAD THE FUCKING GUN. Even the smallest weapon he seems to want to disassemble just to put, literally, a couple of bullets into: heaven fucking help you with heavy weapons such as the grenade launcher or the mighty crossbow, yes readers that was the funniest. Oh how i laughed at the irony, as i screamed "WHY DON'T YOU RELOAD THE WEAPON YOU USELESS FUCKING TWAT"! whilst fending off the re-spawning freako's for the up-teenth time, but i was having so much fun, how could i possibly get annoyed? The game's setting is also deceptively large, often you will see beautiful underwater vistas from the windows, and there is a powerful illusion of depth to this city, but you never really get to visit any of it, the game is only confined to about 10 quite small levels, if that. It just feels longer due to the constant too-ing and fro-ing. I'll finish with a mention to one of the most praised aspects: the story. Problem is the most interesting part of the plot is the back-story told through recordings by characters, few of which you ever get to meet, and with whom in larger roles would only enrich the game. In fact, there is actually very little going on, since you've arrived in a dead city after the event, and you are merely a glorified gofer, literally running from point a to point b.

If you REALLY must play this game, don't give 2k games the satisfaction of paying full, or even, half price for what is a one-trick pony. Rent it, since there is so little variety in gameplay to warrant a repeat run, its a bit like going to see a hollywood blockbuster, worth a watch for the experience, just to check out the hype, then forget all about it!

Silent hill: a considered response.

2008-01-14T20:35:00.000Z

It never ceases to amuse me how much acclaim is given to the silent hill series, as some kind of benchmark for storytelling in survival horror games. What utter ballssssssssss, when has silent hill ever had the semblence of a plot, only pretentious tossers can seriously believe that a story with so many blatant plot-holes, loosely tied together by dull set pieces constitutes a great narrative. With lead character's that control like such spastics, its not fucking with your head, only with your wallet and your dignity.

In what other, meant-to-be-scary, horror series do you have protagonists that look like human size fraggles, running aimlessly around a town thats often too dark to see a fucking thing in!!!!!! You can often tell a game by the quality of its bosses, giant moths, big worm/catepillar fuckers, wwwwwwwwooooooooowwwwww, really pushing the boundaries of imagination there!   Yes of course the situations are nasty, not because of the atmosphere or monsters, but because often you are in the fight of your life just....to.......control.......the.........bastard........CAMERA, i almost popped a brain cell or 200 just to get the camera behind the character just so i could see what was in front of me. Still, silent hill 5 might finally give us a capable character, and rescue this doomed franchise!

Bionic Commando Petition for the Wii

2008-01-14T09:39:00.000Z

On some level I can not help but feel sorry for these morons. Take that back no I don't. I mean what is going on in the head of these idiots, "Duh why does my Wii not have all the cool games that the 360 and PS3 have, duh must be because the publishers have something against the Wii, yeah that's it duh" Well it's not, it's because the Wii processing power is about that of the chip inside the PS3 that controls the ejecting of the disk drive and this may come as a shock to you but that ain't going to run Bionic Commando.

Oh yes we could just have all games written for the lowest commen denominator which makes the point of other more powerfull consoles or other consoles at all a bit rudundent. So if you bought a Wii for it's cool wavey interface and that you can't get enough of Spazzio games then fair enough, but don't come crying to me when it won't play games like Crysis, go crying to Nintendo sitting on their huge pile of cash, see what answer you get, duh, more then likely.

Kotaku - Want Bionic Commando on the Wii? Sign This Petition!

Farcry 2 Coming to PS3 and 360

2008-01-11T17:47:00.000Z

Ah something to cool the tempers this Friday afternoon. Yes Ubisoft has just announced that Farcry 2 will be coming to both 360 and PS3, so no more console hating it's all peace, love and multi platform from now on,mmm,ahhhh.

Yoda in Soul Calibur IV

2008-01-10T13:33:00.000Z

You, will, not, believe this. But it's true you will be able to play as Yoda and Darth Vader in the new Soul Calibur and a few more Star Wars characters too. I can see this version of Super Smash..er Soul Calibur selling quite well. Is it me or does Yoda actually look better here than in any of the Star Wars Prequels?

Zero Punctuation: Silent Hill Origins

2008-01-10T11:15:00.000Z

As Yahtzee quite rightly points out SH2 is a masterpiece (go and buy now if you have not experienced this mind blowing fuck explosive you retard) however I did kind of enjoy SH Origins and I mean enjoy as in kind lovely stroll sort of idea, like finding someone has not put chewing gum on the seat of your train to work, is kind of nice. Plays through fairly well, not really challenging in the slightest but all in all kind of pleasant. Point is SH is not supposed to be pleasant it's supposed to fuck with your head, put you in nasty situations in fear of your life and generally leave feeling kind of uncomfortable, concerned for your sanity and in a prime state to pee your pants. Here I felt it fell short.

Copy Blueray Movies to PSP

2008-01-08T11:31:00.000Z

If you are in that small irritated minority who actually bought all your movies twice so that you could watch a much smaller version of them on your PSP, there is good news that will mean you can stop this silly practise. BlueRay movies released in 2008 will include a PSP version of that movie! Cool huh, is if you own a PSP and PS3 anyway.

MGS4 IS a PS3 Exclusive

2008-01-08T09:34:00.000Z

You've been told and told and now told once more. So any 360 bloggers out there reading this please give it up before we have to start using the naughty chair.

Portal (PS3)

2008-01-07T18:51:00.000Z

One thing the current state of the game industry can be criticized for, aside from every violent act committed by a teenager, is ripping each other off to the point where you can pretty much guess the ending of the game from the box art.

So when something comes along that has a glimmer of originality it's hard not to heap unconditional praise upon it (Assassins Creed) and unlike some other games (Assassins Creed) when that game is a sheer joy to play from beginning to end then it really is deserving of this praise.

From the outset of Portal you'll chuckle away to yourself at the excellent writing and delivery you get from your unbalanced guide, which follows you right through the game and never dulls right up
until the finale.

And then there are the puzzles - and make no mistake this is a puzzle game, a first person puzzle game, clever eh? Well yes, in the simplicity of the concept at the very least. The core of the puzzle experience is to try to figure out how to get from a to z using a super whizzy portal gun: shoot hole at a, then another at b, jump through, shoot hole at c, jump through to c, and -my personal favorite- shoot hole above subject, shoot hole below subject, wait for subject to be sick. Hours of fun.

Most puzzles won't cause you too much trouble unless you're full of stupid, which is fine because it keeps hold of a wonderful sense of
smooth progress with only a couple of small blips along the way to make sure you do have to think a bit every now and then.

So there you have it: lot's of harmless fun that everyone should try, then again if you start seeing youths digging holes in the park and jumping in them you know who to blame. At least they won't be trying to kill each other......or playing Assassins Creed.

Note: To be honest do quite like Assassins Creed even if it is a little over hyped which is hardly it's fault, at least it's not Halo............... or Spazio.

Ultimate 360 (Conversation)

2008-01-07T16:18:00.000Z

lee says: have you heard about the ultimate 360, mmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Jimmy 占 says: I know, sounds a bit silly to me, how many skus to they need

Jimmy 占 says: also I don't see what is left to put on the thing

Jimmy 占 says: HD drive would be pointless now

Jimmy 占 says: wifi they should have done ages ago

lee says: tell me this, hd has more memory tha standard dvd, so why didnt they just put games on hd discs

Jimmy 占 says: ah well, see if they do that now it would piss off all the publishers who have already put the games on a dvd, would be like the megadrive, mega CD, 32x situation all over again

lee says: tossers

lee says: bloody microsoft

Jimmy 占 says: they will have to wait until the 361

Jimmy 占 says: and use blueray disks, he he

lee says: just as long as there are some decent games i dont mind

More off road joy for MotorStorm

2008-01-07T13:37:00.000Z

Word has come down from ThreeSpeech that coming this Thursday you'll be able to purchase 2 new tracks for MotorStorm priced at £3.49. Thank goodness for Sony and their newly acquired Evolution Studios for showing other game developers how to create an unstoppable torrent downloadable goodness.

PS3 on road to global domination, maybe

2008-01-07T11:13:00.000Z

Apparently Sony sold 1.2m PS3 consoles over the holiday period in just north America. Now according to vgchartz.com that compares very close to the 360 sales, neck and neck it seems.

Guitar Hero III (PS3)

2008-01-05T11:50:00.000Z

You know the last video game that I and my girlfriend sat down and played together was, Tiger Woods '07. I know it's not exactly your typical blowing shit up game but then she never was much into blowing shit up, cleaning shit up, sure, loves it. See the one thing I love about video games is that they allow you to do things that you can't in real life and as any child of the 80's will tell you being a rock star ranks pretty high up on that list.

Guitar Hero somehow manages to give the player a small sweet taste of this and while actually learning to play these songs on a real guitar would be a serious pain in the ass playing most songs on Guitar Hero is no easy feat, to begin with at least. Guitar Hero manages to create a fine balance between actually being really hard to master and yet very easy to pick up. If your like me your first go will be terribly embarrassing, although for me it involved more then just missing every other note and also not knowing how to put the strap on a guitar in front of my 2 goth tutors at the time. Even so within 30mins trying to master Barracuda only because it sounds cool and is really not the easiest one to start out on, you'll get it and you'll rip through the whole game on easy mode within a couple of days, if you don't get out much at least.

After that the game increases the difficultly by adding on another button to the list of notes you have to hit for every song you have just done. This is basically how the difficulty works, you'll never really be playing all the notes, unless you get to expert, then I assume you have to as I'm too crap to get that far yet, but you'll always get to play the most important ones and have a real feeling of contributing to the song, because when I say play I mean you do play the notes. If you fluff up a note gratuitous thrown down to you it wont play it and you'll get a hideous duff plunk in it's place, if you let go of a note before your supposed to it will cut out in the music and yes the waa waa bar does actually work and yes if your tone deaf you can use it to destroy sweet child of mine.

Thats the other great thing about this game is the track listings, from Welcome to the Jungle, to Paint it Black to Barracuda, still though I would not have minded some Marilyn Manson but I guess the PlayStation store may yet make my dreams come true, ok ok I dought it very much too, damm you. And in that is why this is an essential purchase because how many games do you have you where you happy to play the same levels over and over again but will still irritate the toss out of you at the simpliest mistake, also any game that you can enjoy as much as your Mrs can't be that bad.

Skype on the PSP

2008-01-05T11:18:00.000Z

Although having Skype on the PSP might sound like the best thing since sliced pajamas I can't help but remember how super cool all those people looked as they talked into their taco/ngage and be warned that the PSP is a much meatier taco. On second thought though you'll probably only be doing this in your own home as you'll need a WiFi hotspot where don't pay £5 for the hour of use for, so you'll only have your girlfriend laughing at you at least.

Bully on the Wii

2008-01-04T17:48:00.000Z

You know if any serious gamers had actually purchased a Wii they might be getting a bit peeved off by this sort of thing,
Bully looks to have a firm release date, yet another port of a PS2 game. Poor show rockstar.

Zero Punctuation: Super Mario Galaxy

2008-01-04T15:07:00.000Z

Another rather amusing review from Yahtzee. I have to agree that there has not been enough analysis of the relationship between Bowser and Mario, hopefully they will see this and it may go some way to help resolving the differences between them, and then we might never see another Spazio game again, Yeppie!

NFS Pro Street Demo (PS3)

2008-01-04T13:12:00.000Z

One of the most disappointing demos to come the Playstation Network, I actually played Heavely Sword and the Darkness longer than this. Although The Darkness demo kept me more engaded than the game which I sent back after 15 mins, that is another story.

Anyway NFS lasted all of about 2 minutes, that being actually game play I could stand the rest of the time I spend trying to figure out the menu system, what is it with EA and that damm menu design, I had the same bloody problem with SSX tricky it's like they get some stoned drop out who can't help saying dude after every bloody sentence to scribble over effing icons smoke 12 joints and then vomit last night kebab over the screen, WWWWWWWWWWHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhyyyyyy!! They don't seem to understand that some people actually like cars and like adding bits to them in the game and putting funky colours on them and also do not have the IQ of plastered nat and would also if you be so sodding kind EA not have every effing car handle like a shopping trolly from lidls!!!!!

So in review, utter "uber" shite! dude.

James.

News Flashing

2007-08-22T13:23:00.000+01:00

Now, allowing you to register to vote and talk politics on your 360 might seem like a pretty nifty way of engaging the kids but, I just can’t see it having much of an uptake. Can you really imagine the most active Xbox Live members bothering to even shower or get breakfast before firing up the console for some Halo pwnage in the morning, much less getting distracted by a register to vote icon placed far too near a Braid demo. Still I can’t say it’s a worthless endeavour. It will no doubt pique the interest of a few gamers who worry about GTA4 getting banned and perhaps a few more that click on it by mistake from throwing the pad against the wall.

Stories of Interest:

Xbox 360 Gets Political, Rocks the Vote

Astro Ranch: iPhone Gets Its Harvest Moon

Sony confirms official UK price of new PS3, PSP models

RadioShack advertises $199 Xbox 360 Arcade, 60GB $299, $399 Elite

PSP-2001 vs PSP-3000

News Flashing

2007-08-21T13:53:00.000+01:00

Well it may not be white boy day, just yet, but it does seem to be Sony day at the Leipzig Games Convention. Amongst the plethora of announcements that have been made, my personal favourite being the PlayStation 3 Keypad (high res pic here), the most puzzling for me is the 160gb PS3. I can understand how this news might sound a little, “phwooor look at the size of this” with perhaps a bit of, “stuff you xbox, mines bigger than yours” (which is precisely why they’ve done this) but it’s really not that big or clever. After a quick scan around your local laptop hard disk supplier you’ll notice that an 80Gb drive will cost you around £30, where a 160Gb drive will cost you about £34. My suggestion, buy a 320Gb hard disk at approx £56 for your PS3 and next time you can join in the disk space willy waving contest shouting, “cop a load of this and then some”

Stories of Interest:

Sony intros wireless keypad attachment for the PS3

EyePet, Your PS3's New Best Friend

 Sony Introduces $500 160GB PlayStation 3, Updated PSP

Three Reasons GTA IV Should Be Better On PC

Fallout 3's Vault Opens in October

News Flashing

2007-08-20T10:55:00.000+01:00

Hey kids, you remember House of the Dead don’t you? Well if you do then you’re not kids anymore, stop pretending. Now, if you were fond of the classic zombie massacre simulator then prepare to be cuffed as you’re finally going to get a new addition to the series. Coming to the Wii in Q1 ’09 House of the Dead: Overkill promises to satisfy all your zombie blasting desires through the medium of point-shoot and waggle. Of course when I were a lad we couldn’t afford new fangled light guns, had to play Typing of the Dead with a keyboard no less. Made me the blogger I am today I tells ya.

Stories of Interest:

Firemint Real Racing For iPhone/N-Gage

Microsoft Blog Confirms Instrument Compatibility For Xbox 360

BioShock PS3 confirmed for October 24

CHRONO TRIGGER comes to Nintendo DS this November 25

News Flashing

2007-08-18T16:31:00.000+01:00

So it seems you’ll now be able to get the latest football highlights on your PSP for only £5 a month. This may help me as somehow trying to follow football on the TV turns my brain into a spam sandwich. Yet throw a copy of PES into your console of choice and I can question the ref’s last sight test as well as anyone, must be the colour depth or something. Similarly I find it tricky to run over grannies and shoot cops unless I have a pad in front of me, weird.

Stories of Interest:

Tetris, Spore, Scrabble and Sudoku – EA’s iPhone lineup

First Dead Rising Wii Hands-On, Gameplay Footage

Duke Nukem Coming to Xbox 360

PS3 Music Peripheral Compatibility Update

Game File-Sharer Ordered to Pay £16,000 Damages

News Flashing

2007-08-18T11:40:00.000+01:00

I only highlight this story, about how gamers annoy non-gamers, because I take issue with the writer’s definition of a non-gamer. Not only does this non-gamer actually seem to play games, but has also ploughed through enough of the Final Fantasy series to declare 7 (yes I wrote it as a number, ha) as the best. From my own experience living with a non-gamer I’d say taking up too much of the main TVs time or talking about anything game related would be the most annoying habits. Oh and screaming while throwing the pad at the sofa is probably near the top of the list too.

Stories of Interest:

RPGs to Rule the World

Cheaper Sony PlayStation 3 Arrives in US Next Month

Batman: Arkham Asylum Announced For Xbox 360, Playstation 3, and Windows PC

Viva Pinata pocket paradise for Nintendo DS coming in September 2008 says Rare

News Flashing

2007-08-17T12:42:00.000+01:00

Well I suppose it’s again time for NPD to tot up the numbers from the console war like some UN peacekeepers recording the destructive progress between two warring nations. If you were in a fortune telling frame of mind it might be jolly to try and extrapolate these numbers out to the end of this generation. This is of course what they are there for anyway. 

Personally, I don’t see any clouds of doom over-shadowing Nintendo’s future. Right now their demise could only come from their main market of bored housewives paying too much attention to The Daily Mail’s shock revelation that the Wii has some games that aren’t designed to make you clever or lose 5 stone from your posterior. That just leaves Sony and Microsoft to desperately fiddle with their game plans so they might grab the attention of this market or at least show off enough big shiny graphics of space marines committing war crimes to dominate the old school gamers.  I’ll save my opinions on who looks more likely to end up second for fear of upsetting those who’ve just spent all their pocket money on a 360.

Stories of Interest:

July NPD responses: Wii, PS3 & Xbox 360 all doing well… apparently

Wii tournament benefits Great Falls schools

PlayStation 3 Triple Betas Explained

Xbox 360 beats PS3 in Japan because of Tales of Vesperia

Sony Licenses Content, Lowers Prices For PSP Movies