Email: I'm Fallout of Love

To: Lee
From: James
Subject: I'm Fallout of Love.

Right, I've started playing Fallout 3 again, perhaps against my better judgement. You know what really gets my goat (by the balls), the load times are one thing, but the other night I got to level 20, cool, then I noticed I wasn't gaining XP anymore. I seem to be maxed out, even though there are plenty of perks still locked. What.....The.....Fuck.....is going on there, am I not understanding the game correctly, I thought they were progressively unlocked as I leveled up, or if I buy the expansion packs that let me get past level 20, which I can't because I made the foolish decision to buy a PS3, fuck you Bethesda, fuck you. So I decided to take out my rage out on the in game world. I've now created my Evil Girl Lesbian character to bring misery and destruction throughout the capital wasteland. So far have blown up Megaton, which made me feel a little bad so I've scaled back for a moment to pick pocketing people.

Fallout 3 (PS3)

Much like my feelings towards Country & Western music, I can't say I'm a real fan of Role Playing Games. Somehow they always felt like one really good game stretched out over 60 or more hours with a lot of wandering and chatting used to fill in the time. Still as a large fan/addict of video games in general, I try to keep expanding my horizons when it comes to video game media. This time it's the turn of RPGs, and since I'm going to ease myself into a new genre of gaming the sub-genre may as well feel similar to many other games I've played before, and so it'll be a Western RPG. Also I have a fondness for Mad Max movies so the sub-sub-genre will be apocalypse. I also liked the colour of the box.......and it was on sale.

As previously mentioned, Fallout 3 is a western RPG. You can tell because the character customisation screen won't let you have 3 foot tall hair or a sword you could feasibly surf on. Other clues include the game mechanics feeling a lot like the director's cut of Half-Life 2. The basis of which is essentially a First Person Shooter with lots of ideas from other games glued on to help pad out the experience. You can flip between 1st and 3rd person view, repair your weapons, collect pieces of old junk to build new ones, dress up your character, pause time during combat and talk the hind leg off a cast iron donkey. Most are well balanced and play nicely with the whole game experience. Some though, throw the illusion of a mass of potential at you while actually stealing away precious time you could have used for further orienteering. For instance, wrestling with over 30 facial sliders just so you can prowl the wastes as Mel Gibson will feel pretty futile after spending umpteen hours starring at the back of his head. This is mitigated somewhat by flashes of the road warrior’s expressionless mug just before you fire off a few rounds in V.A.T.S. But would it really have been too much to ask to see yourself during conversations? V.A.T.S is a much more unique and useful addition, used to carefully add a thin slice of turn based strategy. Pausing time to allow the player to select which of their foes extremities they'd like turned into a shower of claret through a voyeuristic slow mo. Gory it may be, but along with a recharging meter that depletes when used, it does vary your tactical options from, point cursor and hold down fire until dead.

Tactics and careful planning, as with many RPGs, should be foremost on your mind when playing Fallout 3; it certainly has been with the developers. Before your character has even learned to walk you must balance points across 7 separate abilities, including, strength, intelligence, charisma and endurance. You might be forgiven for thinking maxing out these in particular will make you a sure fire hit with the ladies. But, their effects on your stats are more complex, demanding careful consideration to tune to the way you like to play. Simpler, perhaps in noticeable effect, but no less in the decision making process are the seemingly abundant perks available when levelling up. Most being quite inventive, such as Lawbringer, which allows you to sell the finger of any good character you kill, to the more straight forward Iron Fist, which, well, does exactly what it says on the tin. Limiting the amount you can actually activate makes them deliciously difficult to choice from and will certainly to add to the replay value. Perks are also affected by a particular buzz feature of modern gaming, will you be good or evil. Player’s moral choices are, perhaps unfortunately, always boiled down to where you sit on a sliding scale of good and evil. And the same is true here. Combined with the state of the NPCs karma they will either, like, dislike or behave indifferent towards you. In a game this complex and vast it seems like nitpicking to really highlight, especially as no game I can think of derives any more depth from such a feature, nor can I think of any practical way to either. But it does fulfil it's purpose, to create a more believable world in order to immerse the player into the game, and their derriere in the sofa for as long as possible.

There is much more on offer here to suck your brain into this virtual reality. They say the first bite of a meal is with the eye and for better or worse many snap judgements of games are based on their visuals. Fallout 3 should fare fairly well on such first impressions as from the beginning the detail and sharp textures, most noticeable on the faces of NPC's, are very impressive. Not to the mention the jaw dropping moment as your overloaded optic nerve tries to digest the expansive vista on your first trip out of the vault. Elsewhere this immersion is handled more delicately with the very informative radio stations. Acting in multiple roles to dole out clues about hidden quests, relaying your deeds to the masses and serving up some swinging 50's band music to liven up the loneliest trudges across the wastes. Unlike, say, GTA4, there is just not the content for a game of this scale, and they quickly become repetitive. Hand in hand with the with a script of conversions you could wallpaper the Albert Hall with, the main task of submerging you further into the world of Fallout, is absolutely accomplished.

The only question left then, is Fallout 3 worth spending a significant portion of your adult life playing? Well, I have test for games so demanding of your free time; after playing for a few hours does it make you try to forcibly ignore your bodily functions? In all honestly, yes. Fallout 3 is worth playing because it makes me wish I never had to eat, sleep or go to toilet ever again.

Space Invaders Extreme (PSP)

Contrary to what my hairline might tell you, I'm actually not old enough to have played the original incarnation of Space Invaders. My first bout with this legendary title came when I used to try and load up Ghost Busters on the C64. As the tape trickled its data into the C64's goldfish sized memory, you were given the opportunity to pass away the time by playing Space Invaders. I can say with some certainty, that this was a close enough experience to the original that I also enjoyed immensely. Often I'd stop the tape drive (before it had a chance to fail on its own) and simply enjoy blasting alien nasties into their (large) component pixel parts. Some years later, and some more again since the original started swallowing up 100-Yen coins, Taito have come back again with yet another incarnation of the seemingly ubiquitous title, Space Invaders Extreme.

Despite being old enough to question the price of canned peas, in gaming years anyway, Taito seems to be trying its hardest not to look too past it in front of the kids. In so, Space Invaders Extreme ends up being precisely that, Extreme, as well as a little rad, a smidgen to the max and nudge over to the narli side. This is most evident in the music that accompanies the game which scoots across the dance music spectrum from Jungle to Euro Trance (shudder). The result could have easily ended up being massively distracting next to the mostly traditional gameplay, but thankfully has been cleverly fused together. As you fire your railed laser cannon and snuff out the wiggling pixels descending from above, pleasant sound effects both complement and enhance the musical experience, ala Everyday Shooter. The hip factor is further pushed closer to 11 with a psychedelic backdrop, the main purpose of which seems to be distracting the player from the amassing horde of pixelated goons.

The simplistic charm of the original is stripped away further with even more potentially erroneous fluff bolted onto the gameplay. 4 types of weapon power-ups unlocked by 4 respective colours of invader, several enemy types distinguished by attack and method of dispatch, a few bonus stages and a smattering of bosses. Handled without due care and attention each one of these additions could have equalled far less than the sum of its many parts, but somehow Taito appended each whilst carefully balancing out its effects on the rest of the gameplay. One of the many pleasant results of such careful engineering is the accelerated pace at which you can blast through hostile swarms by meticulously targeting your fire towards the bonuses made available by each pattern of enemies. For example, some formations are more susceptible to shooting out the same colour of foe, leading to weapon powerups such as the laser of mass destruction (my own wording). This LMD is then very well suited at terminating single columns of enemies that then lead onto further bonuses. Understanding the bonuses available for certain shooting patterns as well as knowing how to exploit the weaknesses of each layout will be your most direct path to the success.

Game design such as this initially draws you in with charming and enjoyable play, whist subtly allowing you to gradually uncover more effective tactics for handling each wave of enemy. Taito may have taken 30 years to progress this title into a form that is still unlikely to be as survivable as the original but is certainly far less forgettable then its predecessors. If your C64 is getting a little on the wonky side of late, and that Ghost Buster cassette is starting to crap out even before Space Invaders will load, then for you my aged friend, Space Invaders Extreme and a PSP is an essential purchase.

--With Thanks to lime_spider --

Half-Life 2 - from the Orange Box (PS3)

When I were a lad, although I enjoyed most science lessons, I was given the distinct impression that taking a job that included a free lab coat wasn't really the path to a fulfilling career littered with jacuzzis full of Swedish models. Consequently, I focused more attention on IT support. It was far easier to learn and full of people you could feel superior too by fixing things with a few clicks of mouse. I do wonder though, if only Half-Life 2 had been around when I studied for my A-Levels, I might have actually tried to learn the left hand rule for counting wave lengths (or whatever) and would be well on my way to building a gravity gun by now. Sadly, I've learnt far too late from Mr Freeman that after passing those devilish physics exams I'd be rewarded with a life where the most tricky of scientific experiments consisted of plugging in a portal generator, then spending the rest of my time turning aliens into piles of green goo and bullets.

OK, so maybe I have a problem with the idea of a physicist who could justifiably call Jack Bauer a big girls' blouse. At least it fits in well with the far fetched feel of the overall premise, which by the way, is rather interesting. Mr Freeman is awoken from stasis by "that guy with the briefcase" some 10-20 years (depending on which Valve employee you ask) after the events of Half-Life. He is placed on a train heading towards City 17 where he quickly realises that the world has changed significantly since his last waking moments. An alien force called the Combine have enslaved earth using the portal Freeman helped create. It's now up to Gordon Freeman to help the human resistance start a revolution against this alien big brother and free humanity. Intriguing no? There's a bit more to it then that but you get the general dystopian idea.

My problem is, however (yes, here we go again), the rest of the plot development throughout the game. For the next, oh say 15 hours, you're basically told to go over there and lend a hand. Getting there will probably take about 4 hours, then once you arrive you help out by (being the scientific genius you are) murdering an oncoming onslaught of Combine solders. Imediatly after that you're told to sod off somewhere else inevitably far far away to do the same again. It’s only near the end of this epic backpacking adventure that you finally do something of significance and begin to move the story forward. You remember those montages in Indiana Jones movies where a thick red line slowly makes its way across an OS map? The point of which was so you didn’t have to watch the 15 hour mind numbing journey where Indi buys a train ticket, has a quick nap, then sucks on a few Murray mints before he finally gets to the long lost temple of whajamacallit. OK, so here you drive yourself and the Murray mints are replaced with big guns and puzzles, but still. I suppose I can't be too critical - a lot of games do this. The situation is setup for you, then the game pats you on the head and pushes you off into a virtual playground for the next 20 hours. "Now you have fun little one” says the game, “and if you're good I'll tell you what happens next". Fabulous.

So the first moments of HL2 feel as though I'm stood outside in my frog wellies and duffel coat and am told to go play with concrete blocks in the garden again. Then it's as if I’ve just noticed a mislaid spud gun and an orchard in the distance, the possibilities, suddenly, seem endless. This is precisely because the level design in HL2 is the most detailed and absorbing I've ever seen and that’s exactly why it makes me feels like a kid again. You soon realise that the whole game is merely a single path "cattle run" affair, but disguised so well that you're continually fooled into believing in the virtual world Freeman occupies. Along with the mostly physics-based puzzle elements throughout the game, finding the correct path contributes to the overall brainteaser feel of these areas. The only downside to this might be that when playing while not in the most conscious of states will often have you cursing for where the bleeping beep you're are supposed to go. In a more waking state of mind you'll be able to appreciate this design whilst filling your ego with a few, "a ha ha ha, aren't I clever for realising I have to walk across the......", moments. Combined with some unforgettable set pieces, a smattering of new toys and plenty of gun battles this is where the core of the gameplay lies and on its own would be more then enough to keep you entertained.

While not particularly being a core element of the gameplay, a very nice touch that must have taken a respectable portion of the $40 Million budget to develop is the mesmerising facial animation system. Perhaps looking a little smoothed over compared to Metal Gear Solid 4’s implementation, the facial movements of these virtual actors as well as their recognition of your presence and position goes a long way towards humanising them as well as pulling you further into their world. It's a pity then that after forming such a connection to these non-playable chums, it’s so quickly shattered by giving you command of them in battle. During some heated fire-fights they are flawlessly irritating by constantly standing in your way. Then becoming only slightly bearable by being half witted enough to stand in open ground with no cover heroically absorbing bullets that would otherwise have perforated you, if you'd only been a more accommodating target. Perhaps then I’m not too sad that my comrades’ selfless sacrifice for the future of the human race quickly become as hollow as whatever those Valve AI programmers have been stuffing inside their heads.

Usually, the realisation that a game has come so close to perfection would come crashing over me in a wave of disappointment. But you know what, I actually had a thoroughly good time playing HL2. Sure maybe it’s crying out for gameplay that actually develops and progresses the story rather then just filling in gaping holes in it (as do many other games), and sure your comrades have the IQ of a spam sandwich. But, I can hand on heart say I’ve had few other gaming experiences that were as completely enjoyable. Whether you work in IT support or were actually clever enough to pass that physics degree this is a universally satisfying game you can’t fail to enjoy.

God of War: Chains of Olympus (PSP)

When you have a game that can pull off large epic vistas, an intuitive combat system and any excuse for an abundant amount of half naked ladies, it’s probably best you don't try and squeeze it onto a portable system. The sense of scale, for one, can hardly have the same impact as the previous games (unless you played them on a 14” B&W TV set), not to mention the possible embarrassment of getting spotted ogling CGI jubblies on the bus. Then again looking at it another way, lets say from a more corporate point of view, moving a game that’s been hugely successful on one platform to another that perhaps has not performed as well as expected (outside of Japan at least) is pretty much a no brainer. Similarly, with few new ideas employed in God of War: Chains of Olympus it feels just as much of a no brainer.

The best example of this is probably the story. Before the game was released we were teased that the plot of this title would take place before the main events of GOW1. Perfect, I thought, now we can play through those intriguing grizzly moments that turned Kratos into a cold-hearted slave of the Gods. Well, bollocks we will. Instead we are given a narrative that is set during the ten-year period after Kratos began his servitude. As in the first GOW, Kratos is, yet again, tasked with stopping the impending destruction of one of the Gods’ favourite holiday resorts. After grumbling about the pay and general working conditions, he’s basically told to take it up with the unions. Kratos, being the sort of guy who takes no crap from no one, goes off and does precisely what he's told. From then on it seems as though the writers can no longer avoid a similar level of apathy towards their work. However, unlike Kratos, they decide to stick it to the man by writing practically nothing for the next 4-5 hours of the game. Now, this has been a constant problem with the GOW series: once the story has (and mostly fairly effectively) set up the reason for going somewhere far far away to get the mystic thing or kill the ancient whatsit, it gives up completely. Only once you’ve pilfered the magical thingy or massacred the unspeakable nasty will the story awake from its unnatural slumber eager to dive into the last 30 minutes of cut scenes and boss-finishing quick time events. Of course, a game does not necessarily need constant plot development to keep you engaged. Shadow of the Colossus, for example, has a very simple narrative that also only progresses at the beginning and end of the game. What differs in GOW is that the initial setup of each piece is so epic and enticing for the player that as soon as the narrative drops from view it can’t help but leave a gapping hole in the game. Thankfully, there is one element which is the most important aspect in any game that is well crafted in COO and which, unlike the story remains captivating throughout.

I am, of course, talking about gameplay, the core of which in GOW is the combat system. Somehow combat systems in these 3rd person brawlers seem to be the most difficult portion of a game to get right. Just a few days ago, I played through the new demo of Force Unleashed and was surprised to find (ok perhaps not) that a publishing house such as Electronic Arts with such vast resources managed to make the thing so clunky and frustrating to handle. A combat system should make you feel powerful even when you’re getting your butt handed to you, should allow you to chain together combos through experimentation rather than studying a text similar to a Boeing 737 cockpit manual and, most all, allow you to bring furious vengeance upon evil-doers with the devastating poise and grace of something like Kill Bill on ice. This latest death rattle from the Star Wars franchise does none of this, where Chains of Olympus, and by that matter every previous GOW, does, and to perfection. Specifically within COO, the combat stands up fairly well compared to the previous titles. It would by no means win any kind of gruelling standing up competition against the PS2 implementations but none the less is almost flawlessly implemented. Aside from some of the quick time events that often require swapping hands to complete, you’ll hardly notice you’re several buttons short of what you’re used to.

You may have noticed that I don’t seem to be able to avoid comparing COO to the previous incarnations of the series. And I could probably go on pointing out other shortcomings compared to the rest of the series – so I will. The graphics are exceptional for the PSP but the PS2 versions are far better, the variety of enemies is much slimmer and the game is far far shorter, but to Ready at Dawn’s credit the story is just as forgettable as always. It may seem unfair to compare games from two consoles of vastly different capabilities but it’s not as unfair as making you pay money to play a gimped version of essentially the same game just for the privilege of carrying it around in your jeans. And there lies the single largest problem with COO along with most of the PSP’s back catalogue. If you make a game for the PSP that tries too hard to emulate what has already been achieved on it’s living room bound cousin you are going to leave many a gamer with an empty hole where a new fulfilling experience should be. Then again, perhaps that’s their own fault for playing too many video games and not seeing more of the real world (myself included).

To conclude, God of War: Chains of Olympus is a neck snapping, boob jiggling, Spartan slicing pocket adventure full of fun and frolics. Plus, if you’ve never owned a PS2 you’ll love every minute of it. Blimey, if you never owned PS2 you probably have been doing something worthwhile with your life. Yeah, well I hope you caught flees in India.

Super Monkey Ball (iPhone)

Ah, who would have thought that one day we'd have mobile phones that didn't need to be carried around like briefcases, we would have more than one annoying ringtone and would have another billion ways to make you look like a plonker on the way to work. Well, with Super Monkey Ball for the iPhone here is now one more way to raise eyebrows among your fellow commuters.

As you may know, the main selling point of Apple's smudge machine is that it can make you look rather trendy by swapping all the buttons for a touch screen and tilting controls. However, when you add games to such a device, quickly the inverse starts to happen. You instantly transform from uber-cool to raving loon as you wiggle the thing about like you have a bee on a slice of toast. The best way to achieve this effect is to buy a copy of Super Monkey Ball. Here is a game where you need to navigate a monkey, who is in a ball (obviously), around a maze by titling the floor. Floor tilting gaming is naturally a perfect fit for the iPhone and is truly super jolly fun - meaning you'll get right into forgetting you're on a train with a carriage full of people staring at you. The beauty with SMB is that if at first your random phone twitching does not result in a few concerned glares, then your inevitable rage towards primates certainly will.

There are a few specific points that make Super Monkey Ball(s) an exercise in emotional control. For one, most of the levels require very precise twiddling of the iPhone, mostly guiding your chimp down very steep and narrow slopes. Slight involuntary muscle movement will result in a fall into oblivion. Secondly, there is the camera, positioned behind and just above your encapsulated primate, which mercilessly continues to stay in line with the direction of movement. This then creates a little difficulty when turning around and a lot when travelling backward or bouncing off walls. Ironically though, what pushes irritation levels all the way from dandruff to scabies is the sheer addictiveness of the title. Somehow, no matter how quickly I'd burn through lives and continues I'd just keep coming back for more punishment. This is partly generated by the cute fun design of the game. The use of fisher price colours and tweenie pop music (which does repeat little too often) is abundant, but really it's those damn titling controls which are just far too addictive.

All this leads to an experience that I can't really describe as fun. Although somehow very compelling, it is often very intense due to the amount of focus that's required. You'll find yourself ending most levels with either a huge sigh of relief and a lie down or a torrent of rage that may have you turning your iPhone into an expensive Ryvita. I guess I would recommend a purchase as long as you understand the risks of grinding hairline fractures into your molars while being carted off by the transport police.

Metal Gear Solid 4 (PS3)

If there is one game the PS3 has been sorely missing since it's release, it’s one with big manly words in the title. The best I could find so far is Warhawk, not bad but not quite Gears of War or Crackdown. But fret no longer PS3 owners, if you are insecure in your sexuality, you can now proudly display a copy of Metal Gear Solid 4 from your gaming shelf. Friends and neighbours will no longer be curious about the amount of hair product you’ve been using and will never suspect you only bought a copy so you could stare at Snake’s solid butt cheeks for the next 25 hours: you’re now a red-blooded male, grrrr.

I suppose, looking back, Metal Gear Solid should be quite proud of the fact it’s managed to provide some sort of titillation to every possible sexual persuasion on the planet. Naomi is the most schizophrenic of femmes fatals who sees no need for bras or shirt buttons, and Raiden is often mistaken for a girl who likes to run about butt naked. Then at one point during the first game a wolf piddles on Snake (I bet that does something for someone, somewhere). There are so many examples of this type of goings-on in MGS4 that I couldn’t possibly go into them all here, plus I’d get far too distracted. What I’m slightly more interested in is why Kojima continues adding so much variety (not to mention volume) when it comes to thinking up sexy bits for MGS4. Being inclusive is all well and good but he seems to follow the same tact of volume and variety over logic when constructing the story to disastrous effects.

The story is by no means terrible it’s just terribly confused. At times it feels like a recitation from a Vet of both gulf wars with half a pound of depleted uranium in his head. He’s trying to piece together as much as he can but can only recall those epic moments that are having the most effect on his post traumatic stress. The story attempts to be dramatic, comical, moving, and tragic, while at the same time trying to hold together great depths of intertwining plot and to cover all of recent human history. To Kojima’s credit, he more then succeeds at hitting all of these targets, just not in one consistent or convincing story. There are so many examples of this, but, it’s probably best illustrated in Raiden’s narrative. He comes into the game all suped up as a suicidal cyborg ninja. He’s constantly blathering on about having nothing left to live for; outdoing most hippos when it comes to wallowing in his own self-pity. A perfect vehicle for a heroic tragic death you might think, well it would be if he didn’t have so many of them. He’s stabbed a bazzillian times by Vamp (left a whisper from death), crushed by rubble (seemingly dead), crushed by a super tanker (left convinced of death), then fights off a horde of enemies with no arms (assumed no way of survival), only to turn up at the end of the game with not a bloody scratch on him, in a hospital with 2 arms!!! My point is every one of his epic death scenes is so well constructed and emotionally resonating you’re convinced he’s going to cop it this time. However, when he turns up again all fine and dandy you feel somehow emotionally short changed. If it wasn’t for some exceptional acting and Kojima’s outstanding directing of these individual scenes, I would have started skipping most them half way through the game. Instead, on two counts I shed a tear at the end, which, it should be noted, has never happened to me before whilst playing a video game - well unless preceded by 50 failed attempts at trying to finish Alex the Kid.

The gameplay is similarly comprised of many possibly conflicting elements, here, however, they fit together perfectly. For instance, in previous MGS games going all Rambo in a level was an excellent way to get your butt a good bullet roasting. Here it’s quite possible, if you so wish, to hit the deck like Arnie on a roid rage trip and waste every mo fo in sight. Then after you’ve snuffed out an enemy soldier you’re able to fence his gun for credit to buy more hardware. This is no doubt more fun than creeping about in the shadows but with Snake getting on a bit he needs to chill out with a Playboy and a ciggie every now and then to recover (I kid you not). Don’t worry, if you also get cagey around loud noises as there is a nice lump sum for avoiding contact altogether. The gameplay continues to take you to new and interesting places without you feeling alone and helpless unlike the end of some infamous stag night. Some of the more memorable activities have you following a resistance member (dressed like Dick Tracey) without giving away your position or letting him get captured, track someone as if hunting wabbits and one where you attempt to hold your nerve through a breathtaking chase sequence. It honestly had me begging for another hour long cut scene, just to get my heart rate down again. Most of these sections are perhaps a little easy to overcome on the normal difficulty setting but this does not distract from the overall enjoyment of them. At worst, you may feel a little disappointed after completing a certain section but only because you’ll have several other tactics swimming around your head and you just can’t wait to try next time.

In the end Metal Gear Solid 4 tries desperately to give you your monies worth. Some cracks are formed by stuffing so much in but, ultimately, it provides in abundance and with a great amount of satisfaction in most areas of the game. If you’re still having second thoughts about picking up a copy, just remember, it’s a must buy that will show your mates a lot more about where your PS3 is coming from than it will about you.